Interesting thoughts. What comes first the chicken or the egg? For myself when I am o.k. i feel good, think I look good, can think clearly, can accomplish things, phone my friends and want to do things and am optimistic. Things are easy. I wonder why people can't just get going. When I am down, every thing is too hard. I can't think, don't want to do, just leave me alone. I don't phone people, don't go out of my house and look terrible. I feel whats the point of all this? Everything falls apart. And because I feel so awful I isolate. I hate it but am helpless to stop it. Taking my meds is hard. Eating good is hard. I come out of it. eventually. Some one drops by, someone makes me laugh, and I feel better. I think mirroring has a lot to do with it. When we see someone looking at us with love, caring, interest we feel better inside. We can store this up like squirrels for a rainy day. If there are things to give us joy like gardening, painting, etc we can be alone but somewhere we need to have social contact again. A touch, hug, smile can keep us going. When I have my worst times I realize I haven't made a point to talk to anyone, done anything new or different and had no "mirror " to share with someone. What if no one ever gets a smile, doesn't know anyone to phone, has been depressed for so long they have lost all their friends? They just can't cope anymore. Our brains are misfiring and make us believe we are worthless or expendible? We are missing a spark plug. The car is perfectly good but because it is not running we throw it out. What makes some people cross that line? No one told them? No one said hang on? I am here. Your just missing a spark plug.
I know for each day I have wanted to give up there was alway another sunny day somewhere. I have had to make myself phone someone even if only to say I feel awful. I have to drag myself out even when I don't want to . I think the worst part is the outside pressures from families who don't understand and lash out out of fear, to some doctors who push pills and don't keep track of people when their brains are not functioning safely. Then we hide away with our hurts and isolate more. I know in my good days I try to put plans in place to keep me going through the bad days. Groups where you are expected to show up every week whether you want to or not are a big help. I f I can forget everthing for awhile it helps. An old boyfriend committed suicide. Through counselling I learned i might want to follow. I have had to fight those thoughts and learn they are temporary and the sun does come out again. Tomorrow.