Hi. I'm glad you chose to come here. It sounds like it might be your only real support system. It may not be the same as face to face, but as you say, its better than nothing.

I'm close to your age, 49, and single though I was divorced fifteen years ago. I do have a son, but his mother pretty much cut me out of his life. At any rate, in your situation, I can easily see why health concerns could start off a cycle of worry and fear. When you are younger and something happens, you figure you have all the time in the world. Unless you have suffered a serious and possibly permanent injury, your young body is resiliant, and you are still working towards finding your path in life.

When your health fails you in middle age, its a blow. (To me, middle age exends into your sixties these days). You are at a point in life where you expect to be settled into a job, putting money away, investing, have a family or relationship, and are too young for health concerns. Getting hit with a setback makes you re-evaluate both your life and current situation. All of a sudden, it seems like there isn't that much time left and its harder to start over. Your social patterns are set, and where being on your own seemed ok before, now the possiblilty of being disabled and alone don't seem so remote.

Besides a small host of depression and emotional issues, I suffer with chronic, intractable migraines. They started at 18, but didn't really get bad until I was in my early forties. My pain doc has me on a cocktail of pain meds that cause fatigue, but coming off them is not an option. In august, my back went, secondary to having to sleep in a crooked, elevated position to avoid more breakthrough pain. It takes me an hour to walk a mile, and then only with a cane. Never in my life did I think I'd be in this position this early in life. My parents are still alive, but at 80 might not be soon. I'm not close with my brothers, and even if I were, the family is three states over. Like you, I've never made friends easily, and though I do have a very good friend, she is in her sixties and I worry daily that her health will fail. (I live in an apartment attached to her and her husband's house. Purely friendship.).

When you live in a relatively small world socially, anything you have to lose is often everything you have to lose. Instead of being comfortable with a family and your position in life, the possibility of losing your independance looms overhead far too soon. Though your reaction to your setback is understandable, that doesn't make it easy to deal with. You're right, it is harder to start friendships at this point in your life, especially if you've never been a people person to begin with. You probably don't frequent places where there is a lot of social activity, so there may not be a pool of people from which to make friends with.

Have you considered sharing your home with a dog? I don't mean this to be insulting or suggest that a dog would cure your problems, but they can go a long way towards pulling you out of depression and giving you a reason to keep active. I have a nine year old shepherd that is with me at all times. He doesn't judge, doesn't care that I have to spend a lot of time in the dark and am only functional for a few hours a day. He gets me out of the house and walking when I might otherwise not. Dogs don't care if you have nothing to say but are happy to listen if you do. They need you, so your focus can be on their needs instead of the fears that seem to creep in. You may already have one, but if you don't, that kind of bond can do wonders.

I'm sorry I don't have all the answers for you. You aren't out of line feeling the way you do in your situation. Don't give up on friendship. It can come when you least expect it. Hang in there.

Sam2