For the last few days, I've been giving some serious thought to packing it up and moving half-way across the country, to Los Angeles.

I'm not manic. Definitely not.

I'm more on the depressed side.

I was already on the depressed side of things, and then the Connecticut shootings happened and I sunk down even more.

But with everything going on in my life lately, I feel like running away. I feel like maybe there is something better out there.

It's probably up to me to find "something better" inside myself and stay put.

But look at what's happened in my life since August.

• I decided to get back into treatment after being a loose cannon for many years.
• I was getting in trouble repeatedly at work, which led to being on probation.
• My medical doctor, p-doc, and t-doc decided I should take FMLA leave and short-term disability to put my job on hold and work through the medication issue.
• I was hit by an uninsured driver, which shoved me into another vehicle, totalled my vehicle, and I'm finishing up chiropractic treatment this month. This caused money stress, because I knew I was probably going to be fired in the near future, yet the money from my insurance company for totalling my vehicle was not enough to buy something reliable. Had to borrow money from a very controlling, judgmental relative to buy something else.
• I returned to work and immediately was put on probation again, with a deadline to improve or be fired.
• My almost-21-year-old son told me he was taking steps toward moving out of the house, which will leave me all by myself. It's been just the two of us since I was pregnant with him. We've always had a great relationship. Now he's clammed up for the most part, and ready to move out with a girlfriend.

So I'm feeling very alone right now. It's about to get worse, because I found out yesterday that the big move will take place this weekend.

Meanwhile, I've heard an interesting phrase from several people lately. "What were your 'little girl' dreams?" In other words, when you were a child, what did you dream about? What made you happy? What activities? What did you think you would be when you grew up?

I've always been interested in the entertainment industry and I've always been creative.

When I was a kid, I always thought I would grow up and then move to Hollywood to see what would happen.

I have an old friend who lives on the outskirts of Los Angeles. If I go out to visit and check things out, I can stay in her guest room.

I did some research and calculations online. It would take 23 hours to drive to LA, and $250 worth of gas.

Am I nuts?

If I feel alone right now, with my son still in the house but about to be a 10-minute drive from me, will I feel even more alone if I make a big move? Or will the newness of the situation keep me occupied and keep my mind off the fact that I'm alone?

I have no savings.

I'm on unemployment.

I'm expecting $2,000 because I'm cashing out my 401(k).

The house I live in (owned by my mom and I've paid the mortgage for many years) would need to be dealt with. I'd have to leave it sitting here and keep making the payments. Or I'd have to do some MAJOR decluttering and cleaning to get it ready to be sold.

My mom is a 75-year-old widow. She is not frail at all. She's in very good health and she has an active social life without me. But all my life (even the few times I have tried moving away) I have heard the guilt trip about how family members should stay close to each other, like in the same town. So there is some long-suffering guilt that comes up when I think of moving far away. What if I say good-bye to leave and it's the last time I ever see her? What if she gets sick while I'm gone? Round-trip flights are about $500.

I've researched apartments online. I've researched job openings in the LA area online. A couple of career coach-type people have told me I should give in to my creative side, go to Hollywood, get a day job, and take some comedy classes at night.

What is the alternative if I don't make a move?

• I can stay put in this house.
• My son will move out in a few days and HOPEFULLY he will make time for me once in a while, although lately it's just lunch or dinner every two weeks.
• I'll get used to going for days without the touch of another human being. As it is now, I have to ask for hugs from my son.
• I'll get used to going for days without holding a conversation with someone in person. As it is now, I see my son for maybe a total of 15 minutes per day if I'm lucky, and I don't see other people unless I venture out to a store or sit at a coffee shop with my computer. I see two small groups of friends (superficial friends; not close friends -- I have no close friends) once per month. Otherwise, I see my mom maybe once or twice a week.
• I'll keep working on trying to boost my freelancing business, which I could do even if I decide to make a big move.
• I'll have to find something to make life worth living. That's not easy at this point.

Thoughts?