(((gman)))),

Oh, how I have felt that so many time, many of us feel that way. It is important to have a place to express it too.

When I get to feeling that way, I try to keep in mind to at least be grateful that we all have a way of being understood, get therapy, and have a name for how we struggle. You have to learn to be "thankful" for all the help you "do" get.

I often think about how hard it must have been for people who struggled like us who didn't have a name for it, and didn't have real help for it, who were even blamed or people looked at them funny and just called them "crazy". Because PTSD is not something new, people have struggled with it throughout history. I believe that some of our well known leaders struggled with it. Abraham Lincoln was known to be meloncoly, have a sense of forshortened life, and his wife, she too was discribed as being somewhat "troubled with mental illness". But they lost children and had so many challenges. Lincoln suffered headaches, well most of us know about those headaches. I remember asking my T what was happening when my brain felt like it was in a vice grip. It frightened me because it was not the typical headache.

I spend a lot of time here at PC, and I do that because I know that PTSD can be such a beast and people who have it are often very lonely, misunderstood, and feel very lost and confused. It can be hard to find a good therapist too, I have been through that myself. So, as I keep learning and gaining, I share whatever I learn with others, because that is what I so desperately needed myself. I also know that I went through stages that I truely didn't understand and I had very bad thoughts too.
But as time passed, those challenges lessoned and I could see "progress" taking place, I personally feel it, and I am lucky to have a T that sees it too and keeps me to task at continuing to work at it.

The one thing that "helps" when someone is struggling with PTSD, is support, patience and gaining "knowledge". I was in such a dangerous state of mind last year and one day I had a talk with a vet and it was a talk that saved my life. We talked about how we struggled with the darkest part of PTSD. And we both began to talk about the times when we battle so much inner anger that the desire to end is very strong. However, it has a time line to it, and if we hang on and it really is hard, we make it past those very dark days.

At the time, I had been engaging in interactions on PC and I helping others and giving my opinions and thoughts about different topics. But none of the members knew how much I was struggling, I didn't talk about it. It helped me alot to reach out to others and come up with ways they could think about their challenges that might help them, so by doing that, I was reminded that I did have skills, and I did do and learn positive things in my life. But, I still had some very dark days, and I was very alone with that. I know that sometimes I came on strong, even had long posts. But, those were the days where I was trying sooooo hard to be strong in my own private battle.

How do you explain to other members when you are posting that you just came off of a terrible flashback and your brain is part child and part you as an adult? How do you tell other members as you are grasping at your "adult mind" that just yesterday you endured this horrible flashback from when you were such a young child and your husband came home, stands at the bedroom door while you are huddled in your bed in desperation with the T on the phone, and he yells at you to STOP ACTING LIKE A CHILD!? How do you explain that to anyone where they are going to be able to understand that? It doesn't happen unless you talk to someone else that "gets it, that experiences it too and can support you".

And what do you say to another member that comes out with, "Oh, I had bad things happen in my life too and I can deal with it". A few people who mumble about how they "think" PTSD is overdiagnosed and is being used as AN EXCUSE.

What do you say to someone you meet that comes out with "women here are nuts and they seem dumb and keep making the same mistakes", or then they jokingly begin to use the term "psychocentral"? What do you do when you try to tell someone to leave you alone and they don't listen and begin to make it a point to "critique you whenever you give your POV?

I had that at home, in my home too. I don't know if it is better to be alone while working through PTSD, of have a husband who is contantly staring at you and asks you questions that you truely don't know how to answer. Or for some reason you spend a lot of time on PC because you are finding that it is helping your brain slow down and it is the one way you can gain access to the you that is "normal". And your husband comes home and wonders why you are not cleaning the house or doing something else.

How can you tell other people that the reason why you need to make sure you limit your exposure to interacting and going out to be around other people is that you don't quite know how long you can actually do that? Or, that you have to be careful because you might get triggered and go into a cycle and have people stare at you and make a comment that you are "behaving poorly" somehow and they make it worse. And you already know that when a cycle begins you are entering a challenge that you truely struggle to control.

I often wish, that there was a way to tell others, how much someone with PTSD is trying so hard, and JUST GIVE THEM SPACE AND UNDERSTANDING. If you see them get snappy and angry, they are in a cycle and give them some space.

As a person that really knows the challenge, I can say gman, that yes, I hate it too.
But I also know that with time and patience and lots of "self care and developing a pact with self to be kind to self inspite of it" a person struggling can make real gains on it. And it is very important not to tell self that you are now going to be forever broken and to just give up, because that is not true.

It does help though when you can have a place to go and gain access to someone else that has the same challenges as you do. While it is so helpful to have a good T, it is also so helpful to talk to others that experience it first hand and can say "me too" but keep trying I am gaining so I know you can too.

What I have come to understand about PTSD, is that the person who is struggling with it is going on a journey to face self, learn about self in a way that no one could ever imagine. It is a very challenging journey and even more challenging when you have others around you that don't understand it. I was constantly trying to put it into words too.

What I do know is that I have met others that struggle with it that are the "nicest" people I have ever met. And every one of them genuinely struggles with thinking they are somehow "ruined or broken" or even unworthy. The message I would like to send to your wife is no matter how hard it gets, she will learn soooo much and there will be a time when she will want to take it all and help others with it. I want to tell her to keep a part of herself that is commited to staying strong no matter what, because she is going to become stronger and wiser from what she is going to learn through this journey, even it doesnt feel that way for a while, she will make gains with time and patience.

Open Eyes