Quote:
Originally Posted by SpiritOfAStorm
I knew that I was doing wrong but somehow justified it with my own anger towards my spouse, like it was her fault that my life was such a wreck. I was not smiling and happy but angry and bitter, couldn't wait to get her out of my life! I did not fully realize the pain and destruction I caused her until after I left. We split Aug 1 and we had an argument over the phone and she said my daughter asked her if she was gonna remarry so that she could have a full time daddy! That was about mid to late October, it was a thursday.
Well it took about 20 minutes of reflection over what my daughter asked my wife...and then I crumbled into a crying heap of sadness and begged God to forgive me. The pain in my head and heart and soul was so overwhelming, so monumental, and yet it freed me from the monster that I had become. I have not been the same man since that day.
I still want to reconcile with my wife but only a miracle from God is going to bring us back together. She said that there is too much damage that has been done over the years I didnt get any help and then the affair over the internet, our finances are ruined, we are going to lose our home next year, she no longer trusts me, has no plans to ever trust again! (HUGE sigh) I have been so remorseful and tell her all the time how wrong I was and how she is not to blame for any of this (as she always tried to do whatever she could to save our marriage...she swallowed a lot of pain and suffering over my actions over the years) and I do it to help her thru her pain over our split.
Most of the time when we talk it's like therapy for us both. I am understanding more about how she loved me and also of the depths of the pain I caused her. She is understanding why I acted the way I did ( from my anxiety and depression, low self esteem, and how I hid my pain behind lies and deception) and that I am truly sorry for my actions.
Hope some of this info helps you out.
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Yesterday my husband and spent all day being "good parents" together during my son's 7th birthday celebrations. After the party, he made a (cheerful) comment how it would be great if he could rent the house three doors down, then the kids could just walk over. It stung really badly and I asked him how he could be so casual about the whole thing. He answered that he was dumfounded at how easy the whole break up was for me.
After the kids went to bed, I decided to confront him about the comment and assure him that nothing about my decision to leave him was "easy". I explained that I knew when and why he started looking outside our marriage for "excitement" (although he still SWEARS he's never slept with anyone else), that when I got pregnant with our first son and my health took a nosedive, I stopped being the "sex kitten" he fell in love with. Because he tanked our finances very early on, add to health issues enormous financial stress (most of which fell directly on my shoulders), a husband who was either living in the past or the future and I really wasn't up to a "movie and a drink" after the kids went to bed. I always told him what was missing for me, what I needed to get back to a good place within our marriage, but he was never willing to do what I asked or if he did do them for very long. I talked and talked and pleaded and yelled. I wrote emails and texts and yelled some more. He responded more like a child being reprimanded than a husband.
After explaining the reasons why I couldn't stay (just like your wife, the damage is extensive and I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him again), I asked him why he was so angry with ME. He says he doesn't know. I asked if it was because I am making him look at things about himself that he doesn't want to, and he answered "probably." I told him I didn't want to continue to be punished for what others had done to him in the past.
Once again, he is saying that he will do whatever he needs to do to keep his family together, but nothing that was said in yesterday's conversation changed my mind about needing to leave. He says he will see a therapist and do whatever it takes to "fix" things, but I've heard that before. I think he needs to have a moment like yours in order to really understand the impact his actions have had and I don't think me pointing things out registers. I don't know that he can change. Is it terrible that I'm not willing to give him "one more chance"? Isn't ten years worth of chances enough?