I just joined PC a little bit ago, and have sort of been putting off or "avoiding" coming to the Depression forum area. This the hardest piece of my struggles that I have, and have always had problems opening up about it for the purpose of healing.

Depression has just about consumed my life in every way, somehow or another, and now mixed with growing social anxiety problems is morphing into something stranger or worse... I can't muster leaving the house unless it's to "go along for the ride" with someone, just to get some different scenery, fresh air.

I have hobbies, but I never do them. I feel like I can "never" relax (I was just laid off from a job that mentally drained and destroyed, while also going to school full time-that is now over too), and then when I do relax, I just sleep, or watch movies. I used to write, play video games, be a musician, make art... Now, I might get into those things for one or two days, feel a brief second of joy like I used to, and the next day wake up and completely forget about it.

I feel so afraid of myself, what will happen to me, where I'll be in the future. Depression slowly crept its way into everything...I thought I would be someone else so different and at least successful in my own mind, satisfaction... It has driven me to the edge so many times, to the point of contemplating suicide spontaneously, where I feel like I'm literally losing my mind, a wild animal and dying. I get so scared about supporting myself, while

I'm looking for reliable jobs right now and am horrified by all of them because anything I qualify for and is actually reliable requires working with people. I can't do that anymore - wearing masks has become unbearable. I lie to my family and friends with excuses as to why I can't visit or hangout. I fear often that I will end up as an inpatient just because I feel like I can't handle it along with my other problems, and that I'll lose everything, never having the slightest chance to do what I'd like to with my life. I've come to a point where I'm tip-toeing around myself.

I don't even know what I hope to get out of this post. I'm just lost.