I'm not offended.

I just want this to end. I just want the pain to stop. I've been robbed of just about everything else in life. And this isn't ever going to stop. I know that now. AND I CAN'T DIE!!!!! Other people have killed themselves for less. It's not as if I don't know what's coming. Horrible things are coming and I don't want to face them. They've been doing stuff to me since day one. I know the score. And I'm frightened and I'm angry and I'm grieving and I'm sad and I dare not show any of that...to anyone.

So I sing hymns in a church bathroom at the top of my lungs. It's a message ...please help me...please protect me from this...please stop this from happening.

Protection...I need protection...from the doctors. I had to go to emergency again last night with abdominal pain. My bowels were blocked and they had to clean me out. They gave me an enema and then I waited...waited all night for them to take me home.

Waited all night in a place where ugly things were happening. Waited surrounded by pain and fear. Waited for 13 hours helpless, knowing that soon, my turn with the knives would come and then I would pay the piper. I barely said a word of it to anyone except one nurse named Tammy who was really nice. But she never knew just how scared I was.

I waited in silence and I wanted to start singing and not stop. Just bellow at the top of my lungs and drown it all out. They'd have my head for that.

The ambulance drivers who picked me up thought I was able to walk. My chair was at home. I'm sick of reminding people I'm disabled. It's rubbed in my face every day.

When I phone 911, I give the paramedics the bare basics "cerebral palsy, osteoporosis, scoliosis." I could give them the full ugly truth of it, every surgery, every loss, every limitation, every agony. Then they'd know there would be no chance in h*ll I can ever walk out of there.

But the full ugly truth hurts unbearably. I can't stand it. It's been rubbing itself in my face for 20 years. The pain has festered, grown, unspoken, unsaid. And the last thing I want is to constantly repeat it to those who will only add to my suffering.

Haven't slept since 5 a.m. Wednesday and I can't sleep now. I'm going to get dressed, go to church and sing my lungs out.

If I'm courageous, I have to be. I fight alone.