I feel like I am falling down faster and faster as the minutes pass by each day. I know I have reasons to be sad because of my grandfather's passing and the anniversary of my brother's death. This doesn't feel like just saddness though. I don't smile or laugh at all unless it's fake. I see no reason to smile lately. To really break me down today my car died. Had no money to replace the battery but my dad and mom helped me out and for that I am grateful. I had to miss a couple appts today and one is rescheduled for tomorrow.

I have started the SI behavior again after a couple of weeks without doing anything like that. Now it's daily again. It hasn't been a daily thing for a long time, just feels I need to hurt myself in order to feel better. Of course it only feels better for a little while before the thoughts get dark and deep again.

I have been sleeping a lot. I used to get maybe 45 min a night and now am not up more than 6-8 hours a day. I don't feel like being awake. When am asleep I don't hurt and don't have the thoughts. I feel it's almost safer for me to be asleep then to be awake. My social worker says she worried cause I sleep so much and that am going down hill fast again. I just tell her it's easier to just sleep.

I hardly eat anything now. Even when went to my grandfather's funeral there was all us cousins and aunts and uncles and they kept saying that I look so good cause have lost a lot of weight. I have no appetite, they kept asking me how I was doing it....I really had no good answer for them. I barely drink anything either, just sprite and when am really down I drink alcohol.

I can't take me anymore, and don't want to hurt anymore. I don't feel like I belong in the hospital cause there really isn't anything anyone can do for me anymore. I feel that there is no hope out there for me and that it's time to stop and give up. I used to worry when I get in this frame of mind but this time it's different. Almost like I won't have to worry anymore and won't have to go to all the different treatment providers I go to at this time.

Thanks for listening and sorry it was so long. I feel like I have failed everyone here and all the people that say they care about me.

hugs,
Jen