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Jax2923 said:
I live alone now and I work alone. I know a lot of aquaintances but I don't have any friends. I'm trying to get as far away from my family as I can because they make me feel like I'm a worthless piece of crap, so, I don't have much contact with them.
I've given up on men. They just frustrate me because either I like them and they don't feel the same for me or vice versa. I can't seem to find a mutual attraction/caring for someone.
I can't remember the last time I've been hugged.
My dogs are the only physical "beings" I've had contact with in awhile.

It makes me want to go out and have a one night stand but I know that's only going to make me feel bad about myself in the aftermath.

I wonder what purpose I serve being here on earth. I wonder why I'm taking up space, air and time.
I know I'm not going out much. I know I should go to a class or do some volunteer work and if I did then I'd probably find some real friends but I'm afraid.
I'm not good with people. I use to be. I don't know what happened. I've lost all of my self esteem. They say people can't love you until you've learned to love yourself. Well that doesn't help me out much. I'm my own worst enemy. It's a catch22 and it sucks.
I'm feeling really blecky and whiney.
I created this mess-now how the heck am I going to get myself out of it?

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Dearest ((((((((((((((((((JAX))))))))))))))))))))) you might be thinking is it ur here to suffer ???? have u ever felt that before? Well I felt that before. ANd I do relate to you. The fact that ur not alone and its no coincidence that ur here in this Falling World. my dear fren I dont have to tell you what exactly that I've gone thru unless i know u well enough and if im ready. But look at the world my dear fren what do u see ???its not just you whom suffer. The fact that there's a lots of ppl out there whom is more suffer than you do you be able to work and have some pocket money to support ur life this is a blessings that u need to learn to be content. That most of the ppl dont have a job especially the poor and needy. yet they're happy and content ( i really solute them) they dont expect much in life look at ppl whom is disabled physically. blind , crippled yet they still strive to survive and persevere and fight on. I do have family problems wont be able to work permanet due to my illness yet i still need to work today i felt happy that i be able to work at my church ( just a small task ) despite that i vomitted through out the day or felt nausea but i still must do and fight this "thing" in me. Yup being outwardly focus like do some volunteer work do what is good will help u instead of being into ur own world I know this becoz i've been thru that before.I was being called "stupid" and being bullied since young and it does effect my self-esteem but i work it out and get it back. just simply doing something out there help ppl out there whom is less fortunate than u do . I bet that u felt ur worth than anything in the whole world. ( materialistic) U r precious my dear fren. and GOD loves U even if u dont believe in GOD.......... cya tc byeee.

with love
carol@hoshime unami