I feel so awful (selfish really) for writing this, but I need to get it out. My heart hurts so much for the victims of the gun violence. I have refrained (as much as possible) to watch, listen to or read any sort of media coverage of this tragic event. It is difficult to get away from it though, because it seems everyone is talking about it. It was the first thing my coworkers brought up this morning. Everyone is so sad, so shaken, trying to make sense of something so awful. One coworker mentioned she wanted to know why. She wanted someone to get to the bottom of it. Coworkers with children...especially little ones...were visibly shaken, hurting and sympathizing with the other parents and the families that were suffering. The issue of gun control came up briefly, but mostly it was just an office of heavy hearts.

I do not have children, so I cannot relate in that particular way. But I do have many friends and family members with children. I felt because I dont have children, I could not really contribute to the conversation. Yet, through my own experience with gun violence and losing my mother, I do know how it feels and how incredibly devastating it is to lose someone I love to gun violence. Senseless gun violence. And the gruesome death of an innocent and what it does and how it affects those left behind.

In the end, it really doesn't matter why. In the end, there are no good answers. In the end, justice is moot. The beloved person is gone and never coming back.

In the end, when someone you love is a victim of gun violence, whatever their age, it changes you. It changes how you see things.

I am trying to stay away from the chatter...all of the chatter...because it triggers me tremendously. And selfishly, too, it frustrates, hurts, angers me that so many are so outraged collectively, in huge numbers, yet it has been happening or has happened to many of us already. And no one really gave a damn. Except for our family and our mother's friends.

But I just cannot wrap my mind around it.