Hi all, I need some advice, from those that don't know me who can give me an objective opinion, because I really think I am losing it. I have been married for 15 years to a man with a wonderful heart. But for as good as a father and husband he can be, he has a horrible ugly side, that unfortunately no one but his family sees. I think he is suffering from depression, among other things, but he refuses help because he thinks nothing is wrong. He can be incredibly mean and hurtful to both my son and I, and he is estranged from his son from a previous marriage. I have been begging for years that he get help and we just recently started going to marriage counseling, although right now that is on hold as well. He hates where we live (he can give a list of reasons, although not really valid ones) and believes that if we moved to another state that would be the cure all for him. Mind you, his family all lives here and he wants to move places where we know no one. We fight all the time about it, because I work, and I like what I do, and we can't live on what he makes. He doesn't work, and receives a small pension. To the outside world though, he is this happy, positive motivating guy, and for the most part, I work to keep that view of him going.

Here is my big issue. I have been at my job for 10 years. I get paid pretty well, and I like what I do, although it is certainly stressful at times. The people I work with have become like family to me, and have been there for my family during several big issues over the years. One of our 'friends' at work last week made a bad judgement call and sent me something completely inappropriate (as far as I was concerned). I did NOT want my husband to see, for fear of his response, and instead deleted it and spoke to the individual, who apologized profusely. I asked him to please not mention this to my husband, as I told him I didn't know how he would react. I guess he didn't hear, because he called my husband and left an apologetic message. My husband asked me about it, and since I may not always be forthcoming, I don't lie. So I told him. Well to say he blew up was an understatement. He accused me of all sorts of things, and although didn't 'make' me quit, pretty much left it as a choice of where my loyalty lies. He also said he planned on seeking an attorney and suing my boss who has 'deep pockets' so that 'this never happens to anyone again'. So as to save my boss from that (because I am TOTALLY against it), I resigned. My boss is livid to say the least, not at me, but at my husband, as they were also friends. I am completely sick over it, as I feel it is really just an excuse to get us to move. I don't want to leave my job like this, all of my friends there are now completely uncomfortable around me, and I feel like I just let the cat out of the bag the real man I live with. I feel like someone who has been hiding abuse, which I guess I am.

If my marriage was ok, that would be one thing. But it's not. Every day he makes horrible snide remarks to me. Last night he got angry at our 6 year old because he took too many dishes at one time to the sink when my husband told him otherwise. He called him a 'punk', a 'half-wit' and said that kids who don't listen grow up and go to jail. Really?? Over dishes?? But this is my life, every day. It is completely toxic. He told me afterwards when I tried to talk to him about it that he is going to go away and check himself in somewhere. However he is 'not going to tell me where, other than it won't be cheap' and that he plans on paying for this with our savings. And here I am stressing about being unemployed to boot.

I am sorry this is so long. I feel like if I stay at my job - it will make it seem like that is more important than my marriage, and I lose. But if I leave, I will be out of work and broke with a child, so I also lose. If I didn't have children, I would have left by now. But I need to make the right choice for my son, and he worships his dad. My husband never had a good relationship with his older son, and pretty much abandoned him (my opinion) although he blames his ex and said that his son didn't want anything to do with him (wonder why). His son is now 21, suffers from depression, OCD, and Anorexia. I look at him and I get frightened my little boy will wind up the same or similar unless I am around to protect him from his dad's outburst as well as make sure his dad interacts with him on the good days. And right now I feel like I am losing my sanity. All I want is peace, and I don't know how to acheive that. Thanks for any advice.