Quote:
Originally Posted by lightbulb7
I am beyond depressed. Depressed is a few hundred layers above where I am. I am hopeless. I have so many unsolvable problems. I have warrants. They do not accept partial payments. I do not have enough money for all of my taxes and my warrants. Much less Christmas, which is my Firstborn's Birthday. This has been the worst year of my life and I don't have any hope whatsoever. I seriously cannot imagine anything good ever happening in the future whatsoever. I would be an idiot to think that goodness would grace me and my family. I just don't want to live anymore. I am hoping that the world will actually blow up on Dec 21st, but it seems like just an easy out and I should be so lucky. I am absolutely hopeless. I might as well be dead.
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Lightbulb,
when you are that low, its hard to see what people call the light at the end of the tunnel. Believe me, I've been there several times. It feels like walking through chest high water while everyone else is walking on flat land with good traction. You can't see in front of you or behind you. All you see is darkeness.
This is a really bad time of year for people who are depressed. We are all supposed to be happy and with our families, and all that does is remind us of how bad we feel. You do have one thing though. Your baby. I know you want to be able to give your baby gifts and do things that parents should be able to do at this time of year. It sounds like you love your child, and at that age, that is really all they want. Please don't underestimate that gift. I split with my wife at Christmas just as my son was turning 3. They went back to their home state without me. My son is now graduating from highschool. He grew up without me. I stagnated without him. A child is better than any gift you could ever buy, and the love you give is priceless. Don't let you child grow up without his/her mother.
No matter how bad things are, there is always one step beneath that. I know that sounds like a cliche and probably empty considering the way you feel now. I don't think you want to die. You want the pain, uncertainty and feelings of failure to stop and are too tired to find a way out. If you don't have the money to pay your bills, I don't think they can just throw you out on the street. No one wants to declare bankrupsy or go on welfare, but if you have to, its not the end of the world. Its there to help people get back on their feet.
This is probably the absolute worst time to have to find help from a counsellor, but they can help you find your way out of the darkness. When there are so many problems hitting you at once, its hard to prioritize, to figure out how to deal with one thing at a time. There is no shame in asking for help. You have reached out here because you haven't given up completely. Don't stop reaching out. Is there someone, a friend or family member that can be with you while you are feeling like this? Even if you don't want to talk, just having someone sit with you or stay with you for a while to make sure that you are safe. Just please don't give up. There is a line from one of the CSI shows about an interview with someone who tried to take thier life by jumping off the golden gate bridge, but survived. He said that the moment that he let go of the rail, he realized that all his problems were solvable. Except jumping. It may not be a real person's quote, but I do know that life is temporary, death is permanent and once you've done something to end your life, it may be too late to take it back. Your child needs you, and so does your family. You are worth more than you think.
Sam2