Thanks ((((OE)))) and for the hugs guys!

I feel as if I express my feelings people will invalidate and say, "(scoffing) how could you possibly understand? you aren't a parent!" or "you just wouldn't / couldn't understand. The victims are children" (which is somehow DIFFERENT than losing someone else to gun violence).

...are you disconnecting from others at work because you feel you should not "include" your feelings about how this is affecting you? Are you telling yourself you "can't" share because you don't have your own child? Are you unknowingly looking for reasons to not being allowed to have your pain?

I do not think I am disconnecting from the conversation on purpose. I am disconnecting, though. I am numb right now. And I am avoiding.

I am disconnecting from the pain that is associated with the topic. And I feel I should not include my experience because I do not want to discuss something personal like that at work (I did participate and mentioned how tragic is was/is, and I listened to everyone speaking and sharing their pain and grief, and I responded a little, but I did not come out and say, "I lost someone to gun violence and it hurts like hell and you never get over it. And when things like this come up, it affects a very deep part of me and my heart aches all over again. It is truly devastating.")

To say that that doesn't feel like sharing / participating. It feels like monopolizing the conversation.

And also, I feel angry Like when my coworker wanted to know "why"? (you learn from this "why" doesn't matter but I couldn't say it).

And here it comes pouring out: I feel angry and frustrated that is took THIS type of thing to get people "talking" and "pulling together" and grieving and crying and angry and devastated and in a spin because it was children. And children from an upscale, quiet community that were the victims. And the spokes-people are allowed to talk about their grief because it is "allowed by society" because it sounds nice.

And it's spoken by people with Connecticut accents that could "never imagine this type of thing happening to them". I completely understand that sentiment.

Nobody is thinking and saying anything other than sympathetic T&Ps (other than the conspiracy theorists and hard right).

If it were a different situation (domestic gun violence like ours) or with kids that came from a different environment, people would be sad for a quick second and then move along. They would say and think, "well, it they were adults. they must have been on drugs or something." or "It was an "urban" school. They were living in a lower class (socio-economic) environment. This is expected in THOSE types of areas. Whatever". And go about their day.

The people that are speaking today about those children and their pain are the same people as me. Yet, my voice wasn't heard. It didn't count. Nothing changed. Nobody was talking about it in DC.

My mother was buried. And the incident mostly forgotten. (not by me, though every time I hear about one of these tragedies, I think and say "when is enough going to be enough?". And then the gun control issue comes up and everyone argues gun control and gets super political and talks about how responsible they are as gun owners and drapes themselves in the American flag and quotes the part of the Second Amendment that was written years ago and is totally outdated and talks about how they eat what they kill (and it's fresh and delicious and how they are helping nature weed out the herd). And they have the right to "protect" themselves, blah blAH BLAH!

And the best one, "Guns don't kill people. People kill people". That is total bullc***! Guns were DESIGNED to kill and to protect oneself if they are out on the battlefield. Period.

God, I don't give a flyng eff about all the reasons why people should be ALLOWED to own these killing machines.

My mother was murdered. She ran for her life, in her own home where she was supposed to feel safe (thank you gun?!) and ran down that hall terrifed and was shot in the back...and when she went down she was shot in the head (for good measure?). Just because she wanted a divorce from her stupid husband (who justified having those weapons to protect the home and family).