Recently I lost a loved one, I was actually cheated on in a relationship after two years to be more specific. In that two year time period I went through several traumatic events with my now (ex). One of those being the loss of a child through pregnancy. It tore us to pieces and we couldn't cope well being so young, I was 19 at the time and she 17. At the same time we lived in an abusive household with two drug addicts. Altercations happened daily and everyone was on edge. But we toughed this out and stayed happy together regardless of all of these problems.. But, a few months back I had left to visit my family in another state and planned on coming back for her birthday but things didn't turn out well, she decided that was the best opportunity to leave me. Her only reason for doing so was simply, "our past was to much." After that I tried several times to take my life and almost succeeded. I spent a week in a psych ward to collect myself.

My question is how can someone you love so much leave you with no reason, is it due to the traumatic events we went through and she just decided to build up a wall and push me away? or was I the problem? I can't seem to cope with this and feel it is all my doing. I can't sleep at night and I suffer from severe panic attacks and have also picked up a drug habit. I seem to search for answers that can't be answered, if that makes sense. I'm suffering severely from this and I feel there's no hope for anything. All I want is my old life with her back but I can't grasp that it's over.