Quote:
Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006
Interestingly enough, I am in almost the same position as you lonely. I'm 45, separated, living in an extended stay hotel, only I'm not alone. I have my two boys with me, at least that something. Although it feels like I'm alone, without a companion anymore. The old belief that there were more women than men has been discovered to be likely inaccurate. Most men don't even bother getting a dx and are tagged as something altogether different. They end up in jail not realizing their behaviors are caused by this disorder and never learn to control it at all.
If you're going through a particularly stressful time - being alone during the holidays etc, it's pretty understandable that it's hard to control your emotions. Dont' be too hard on yourself about that, but get into therapy, learn some DBT or other method to cope with your disorder and that's how you get better. It won't go away with age, I'm not sure where people get that idea.
For your daughters, keep that as a motivation to get better, and not check out. I dont' typically get suicidal but I get low enough that if I didn't have my boys to "live for" I can't say for sure how bad I would have gotten. The deserve a dad that loves them, though, regardless of depressed or not, don't beat yourself up for something tht is not in your control at this point. I'm sure you're a great dad.
Hang in there and pm if you need anything.
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Thanks for the advice. I have read some info on bpd that suggests it is supposed to get better with age. You know how the internet is, any doctor can type anything without any proof. All I know is it's much worse. If I had my daughters with me then it would be a lot better. One cares enough to check in on my by text message now and then, the other could care less. I have my Mom and that's it, that's my entire family that I am in contact with. With parents who have been married 9 times between them it makes for a hellish family life. I also have ptsd from a particularly brutal upbringing. I have also been robbed at gunpoint several times. They diagnosed me with Bipolar as well. I don't even care about names of diseases, I am messed up and my psychologist wants to put me in Oregon State Hospital because she fears for my life. In our very first appointment she called the police to take me to the hospital ten minutes into the session. I was that far gone. I am just getting tired of feeling this way everyday, and I know it puts a drain on my Mom and daughter. My wife left as soon as I got sick enough I couldn't work, so much for "for better or worse, in sickness and in health". I will never invest in another relationship like I did in that one. Once I can get past these damned holidays I will feel better. The next few weeks are the key, if I get past that then things will probably look up again. I will be celebrating xmas in my hotel room watching television. Mental illness is tough, because family members arent educated on it and cannot deal with it. I remember how the family made my grandma, who had bipolar, feel like a second class citizen when she was depressed. It was sad, and I am determined I am not going to end up like that. when the doctor told me all the diagnosis over several weeks of studying me I almost hit the floor, I had no idea how messed up I really was. Add to it crippling arthritis, heart disease that needs an operation sooner rather than later, and tremors that require constant medication, and you have a 46 year old going on 100.