You're welcome and glad you were able to talk to your therapist.

I know. its been a year and 6 months on monday since the last time I cut and the urges are still there. And the urges may always be there. kind of like a drug addict or alcoholic alawys has that urge to use drugs and alcohol. It took time to become adicted and it became habit for years to run to alcohol and drugs and getting those feelings that the alcolhol and drugs give so it takes drug addicts and alcoholics years of fighting those urges and craving for it.

Self injury is the same thing a person running to a harmful "crutch" in times of trouble, and it took time to develop that crutch and the habit was being done over a span of years. so its going to take a span of years to get rid of the urges and cravings. and just like with drugs and alcohol each time a person uses appropiate coping tools to solve the problem completely instead of the "crutch" to get temporary relief each time they fight the cravings are urges they get that much stronger.

from your post -

"I want to cut cos things are hard; my son had to leave the area cos his ex was trying to destroy him. I can’t have my granddaughter much – she is with her mother and her mother’s mother neither of which are worth much. With school starting, my kids are having some big struggles. My husband seems to be going thru a hugely negative time still and I am so tired of it all"

and

"these two doctors both want to talk to each other and I said, "Sure, go for it." but it has not happened yet. The suspense is killing me. The longer I wait the more I want to cut"

throw what YOU would get for relief by cutting to the side for a moment and look at the situations not from the emotional point of view but from logic -

Son moved out of the area. OK is your cutting yourself going to change the fact that your son moved out of the area? No its already happened he moved. now throw the idea of cutting out and look logically at options -

In todays world most familys are spread from coast to coast even in different countries. how do these people whos families are scattered?

you can still call your son
you can make plans with your son to meet somewhere for a meal, something to drink and spend some time together
and you can invite son over for meals and spend some time with him at your home.

How about every time you feel like cutting because you miss your son you put some money aside for or go buy something that he would like.

You cant see your granddaughter as much as you want. Again is your cutting going to change this situation? no so now how do other families do it when their grandchildren live in other states, or countries?

You can call your granddaugher
you can write to your grand daugher
you can invite the mom and or the childs other grandmother over for dinner you may not like the childs mother but by being polite and doing this you will also be able to see and interact with the grandaugher.
You can invite the mother, or other grandmother out to luch or shopping for the child.

I right now have no contact with my 13 year old child. I cant call him and I cant see him until his therapist says he is ready and visitation can be done safely concerning his violence. But I send him cards, clothing, books,and so on. One thing I do is every time I want to cut because he isnt here I put money aside for something for him.

Your kids are having a hard time in school. Is your giving in to the urges going to change their school experiences? no. But what will?

You can contact the teachers and arrange for spare sets of books so you can follow along and help the children with School work,
you can sit down with the children individually and ask how their day went and when they tell you about a problem instead of you leaving the conversation upset and trying to figure out what to do about the problem ask the child how they would like to solve the problem. Children are great at solving their own school problems if you give them the chance and be there to brainstorm ideas with them.

Your doctors taking too long to be in contact. is your cutting going to change that? no doctors are busy. Bothe medical and mental doctors usually only have about 5 minuted between clients so they don't always have the time and sometimes forget in the seeing of so many clients. So what can you do?

Make yourself memorable in an appropiate way. Drop off a card to each of them thanking them for the extra time they are taking to help you with this problem. Doctors rarely get thanked in cards, flowers and so on especially when the help has not been completed yet. Not only will you catch them off guard but you will also be supplying them with a very visual reminder of what they committed theirself to helpig you with and how.

I have court reviews on my sons and my DHS case and I know that the review boards see lots of parents, foster parents, lawyers, therapists and so on but may times I have been told I stand out with the review boards, lawyers and so on. this is because I give them a visual reminder by writing up a report about my side of the case. the parents with children in care rarely attend the review hearing. I make a point of appearing at every review even though it is not manditory. The first review I went to they called my sons last name and I went into the review room and sat down right at one end of the table so that no one could look around the room without seeing me. they went around the room for introductions and they came to me and I said my name is and I am (sons name) mother. pens got dropped, chairs got shuffled. Chins got rubbed. then when the review board because I was directly across the table from the main board member I was asked to go first. They expected a very short request of I want my child to come home like other parents, what they got instead was a summary of why my child was in care and my side of the case. I spaced off during this but when I was done I heard The review board member ask my lawyer if he had anything to add and he smiled and said no I think she covered this meeting very well. the lawyer rep for my son looked at me and said not only did I cover my side but had included what was being done for my son and she was very impressed. From that day on even if I was out in public I got smiles of recognition from those community member who had been on the review board. They now knew me and would not forget me and what my son and I need in the shuffle of the crowded system of temporary foster care.

Be memorable - don't do something they expect from you - cutting. Do something they don't expect - your expressing your appreciation and thanks in a way they would not expect for all the extra time they are taking. I would not be surprised if right after recieving your shocking them that they get on the ball and talk together.

as for the urges and cravings they are going to be there a while. You're right theres nothing that anyone can say that will take them away. when they happen for me I put it all into my artwork, and physical activities, and yes if it gets to the point where even those dont work I di diffuse it with a less severe form of self injury.

Not everyone can go cold turkey after self injury behavior. I have been self injuring since I was about 10 - 15. somewhere in there so instead of going cold turkey I work on the more severe and work my way to less severe when it comes to stopping self injury behavior.

give it some more time until the cravings and urges arent so strong on a daily basis then when you are ready pick another self injury behavior to work on. You will get there.

Hang in there

Your husband has a negative outlook right now. Is your cutting going to change him? No only he can change him. so what can you do?

you can plan a special meal.
you can have the kids spend a night with friends so that you and husband have time just to be together alone doing something - watch tv, go to a movie, rent a movie, with no kids in the house the activites are limitless.