it just hit me that im not happy with my life.

i hate pitying myself but

i live in the rural with no one around. very few i mean. i live in a small house and know nobody. ive been depressed lately and having some weird life breakdown where i wish i had more to my life. i just cant bring myself to be around people anyway. its been like this for 4 and half years now where ive been in this location in this small house like this. by myself. i mean im with my dad but hes 65+.

i think it hit me because i talked to someone i hadnt in a very long time and they told me what they do in life to pass time. hang out with friends - go to school - etc. but im not involved with people like that and its hard to be. it turns out bad all the time. its just an extremely lonely life. i used to live in the city and i loved it because at least i could watch the people bike by or walk by. but here in the rural theres just nobody. i mean nobody. on top not knowing anyone anyway.

the loneliness is making me physically ill. maybe cause its stressing me out idk.