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Denotsed · 12:18 AM

Hello. I would greatly appreciate it if this was looked over. I have been trying to figure out how I am different for a very long time, probably since age 12-14 ish, maybe even earlier, my memory isn't that great...

I previously thought I had aspergers syndrome, but after watching a youtube video on the signs and symptoms of schizophrenia, I have taken the possibility that I may have it seriously. I did not just watch the youtube video by the way, I read through the DSM-5 Criterion and a couple other sites, as well as speaking with some individuals in our chat room.

I believe that we are all being poisoned by an elite group which is dumbing us down. (Fluoride, GMO's, many chemicals in products that are very bad for the body[quick google search will show this - Not that I believe everything online]) I am reluctant to give up this belief as it seems based on evidence (in my opinion at least). This could count as Delusion of Persecution I suppose. Although I strongly believe everyone should AT LEAST look into what is in their drink and food.

Anyways..

Signs I ran in to online that resonated with me. From This Site

- Social Withdrawal (extreme)
- Hostility or Suspiciousness (Suspiciousness mostly)
- Flat, expressionless gaze
- inability to cry or express joy (mostly the crying, my expressions are all for a brief moment only when i actually have them)
- Depression
- Forgetful; unable to concentrate
- Extreme reaction to criticism
- Strange use of words or way of speaking (I often have problems formulating what I am going to say, especially in suprise encounters and small talk. When I say things, i often think right after, what the **** was I thinking. I don't know how my thoughts get converted to language so badly, it is like there is a scramble-filter inbetween though and language)

Disorganized Speech
-Perservation: which is using the same words or phrases over and over. I actually had my own name for this, as it was evident to me that I did this, I called it Defaulting. I will basically answer certain things with a default reply, and this is usually automatic (lack of conscious control)

Negative 'symptoms' (Lack of normal behavior)
- Lack of emotional expression (Rarely have real expressions, sometimes i will fake a little smile because I know I look depressing)

- lack of interest or enthusiasm (I NEVER show enthusiasm, and I lack interest in most things, simply because they are boring as hell)

-Seeming lack of interest in the world (lack of environmental awareness I think, I am usually up in my head most of the time, but when people are around I am EXTREMELY anxious/nervous, it almost feels as if my body is prepared for an attack, like I am subconsciously interpreting every single human being as a threat)

-Speech difficulties and abnormalities (same as I said previously, inability to carry on conversations, short and disconnected replies [automatic defaulting], and monotone)

Based on my understanding thus far, I would possibly fit under the subtype: Disorganized Schizophrenia. Not sure though, as I am no expert of course.

Extra Info:
I think in pictures, you can probably guess from the above that speaking is an issue for me. I often forget a word from a sentence I am trying to speak and pause halfway through a sentence.
The nervousness I feel is around everyone, although it is not as extreme around people I know well. The nervousness gets worse the longer I have been away from that person.
I think I read somewhere that schizo's often pace? I use to talk on the phone (i rarely talk on the phone now, but still when i do) and I paced, but pretty much only when on the phone OR when talking to someone about something that is actually interesting to me in a large enough area.

My mother has claimed to hear voices before, she claims they are dead relatives (I believe she is a compulsive liar, but she seems quite geniune about the voices i think). I have heard voices maybe five to six times in my life, nothing extreme.
-Once was a crowd screaming at me,
-a couple times was someone just saying my name,
-another seemed to be trying to get my attention 'hey' 'hey dorian' and something else, heard the voice three times that occasion.
-and the latest one was, I think, two men screaming.
Each incident was at night time.
I moved a lot as a child, had a ****** childhood, got picked on quite a bit.

I have tried anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds like beta blockers and benzodiazapines, and stimulant (dexedrine). Benzos and Dex helped with anxiety a bit, but once resistance built up (which happened quite quickly) they were ineffective, and I am not for continuously raising the dose.

My question main bother, and question is, how the hell do I tell my subconscious to stop interpreting people as threats so I can have meaningful social interractions, relationships, and friends, and not come off as a loony.