I have OCD. I'm pretty darn sure. It just is so hard because it manifests in a lot of ways. When I was little, if I tapped one side of my cheek, I'd have to tap the other, and stuff like that. When I got older it was and is still sometimes thoughts about me being gay even though I'm not. It's SO stupid. I'll be like "Her hair is pretty. Wait, am I gay? omg what if I'm gay..." but I am not sexually attracted to women. I just worry that I could be, or something. Every sexual fantasy I've had was about a guy.

That is bad because sometimes I'll be like "no I'm not" and "check" myself by finding something porn-y or something (nothing hardcore, but stuff that makes me feel guilty because it turns me on because OBVIOUSLY I'M NOT GAY... I've never had sex because I'm waiting for marriage but it sucks that I feel like I want to just to prove to myself I'm not gay. I don't want to give my virginity to a mental disorder.)

Sometimes I overthink stuff so much and people just respond so insensitively. I overthink EVERYTHING about emails, and re-read them like a billion times before sending them. I feel like an insane person, sometimes, simply because my thoughts overwhelm me. I will run myself in circles for an HOUR just wondering about how someone might respond to one single word in a letter.

And then I see people on the news who go and shoot up elementary schools and I think, surely I'm not like that guy, who's really CRAZY, but I feel like no one understands. I worry I'll never get married because no one will be able to deal with the "real" me, who worries a crapload about everything, and I just feel like no one gets me, especially not those people who are like "omg I'm so OCD" and I'm just like "no, no you're not."

I guess I just wanted to vent, and to see someone else who has this problem, and someone to tell me I'm not a crazy person.