Lost,

Even well established, long term marriages can be torn apart by the loss of a child. We just aren't supposed to outlive our children, and when it happens, its so inconceivable and painful that sometimes the marriage just can't survive it.

I don't think you did anything wrong. There are a host of reasons why she may have left you. The relationship was probably over for her long before she left you. If its a one sided loss of love, or ability to cope, the partner still in love may not see the signs. Especially living under the conditions that you were. With so much stress and upheaval in the household, I would imagine it was hard to see anything. Everyone would have been used to constant anger, fear and depression. She may have cheated on you because she still wanted human closeness, but in an enviornment and with a person that didn't remind her of the death of your baby. When she left, you were blind sided by something you probably never saw coming. That isn't an excuse, just an observation.

You need to find a way to move on, which I would assume is something you are trying to sort out. If you try to hold on to the relationship or keep looking for some rationale as to why she left, its going to wear you down to the quick and your life is going to just fly by you. One day you'll turn around and realize that you are years older and still stagnating in emotional hell.

My ex left with my then toddler son back to her home state fifteen years ago. We had been together for nine years prior to that. I couldn't get over the loss of my son in my life and kept going over and over why I didn't see things sooner, why I kept forgiving her emotional abuse when she would appologize and then do the same thing the following week. Because they are so far away and all my memories of my son as that toddler are intermingled with abuse etc., I still can't look at pictures of my son. Not old ones or new ones. When I go to visit, I get physically ill, losing several pounds in the week I spend there, even if I don't have to directly deal with my ex. It takes two to three months to recover after I get back. Emotionally and physically I'm a wreck. Its not my son's fault, I love him very much and we e-mail all the time, but because I never moved on, never put the abuse and divorce behind me, I've tainted the one good thing that came out of the marriage. My relationship with my son.

That isn't a direct parallel to your situation, but rather an example of how damaging a loss can be if you don't deal with the fallout. You will probably never truly understand what happened, no matter how much soul searching you do. Somehow, you have to make peace with yourself, move on and allow yourself to love and trust again.

Sam2