why can't I just have normal ups and downs? I get depression followed by mania.... i have mixed episodes more than I have just plain depression and I never get mania without it being dysphoric... by that I mean mixed with depression and full of irritability and anger.

I AM TIRED NOW. THIS HAS TO END! HAS TO STOP!
I AM AT THE END OF MY ABILITIES AND I HAVE NO OPTIONS.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?