(((Big Mama))),

One of the things I have noticed about PTSD, and you touched on above, is that withdrawn desire when it comes to physical expressions of "love and caring". It also has a lot of "dissapointment" in self that is so hard to explain to others.

I find for myself, that I have a tremendous amount of empathy for others, and I do know intimately how they feel, hense I do give a lot of hugs. I know some people just dont like hugs, and I wish there was another button I could use that says "I am listening or I hear you" to choose. I may not agree with someone, but I can definitely hear them and understand why they have their opinions about things.

One of the things that I do focus on now is even though I am "hurt" by others and how they don't "see or listen to me" the way I would like them to, is their capacity to do what I need of them. And I have always made allowances for others, work around their goods and bads, and I struggle now because when I do that, now I see my "victim mentality".

When my therapist told me that my husband is not going to be able to get rid of some of his behavior patterns that upset me and that "I" have to learn to work around it. It is like he is telling me to go back to being my "victim mentality" in a way. Wow, that is really hard for me tbh. And it is hard for me because I "did" do that most of my life, and I didn't know it was "hurting me" and creating this problem I am struggling with now. I used to be able to "tune him out when he enacted his intrusive behavior patterns", but now, I react and I react before I can even think about "not reacting". And when you talked about the fact that your husband may use a "quieter" tone, he still "orders you and talks down to you" the volume is just lowered. And that doesn't work for PTSD because we are extremely sensitive.

I do keep considering the people around me that have charectoristics that tend to "minimize" me or my value. I keep trying to "observe" and also "observe" my own reactions as well. I do try to keep in mind that when people do not "see my needs or respect me" that they actually do not "know how".

The problem is that I have not always truely been able to do that and "protect" my boundaries at the same time. It felt more like I had to be the one to "give in" all the time. Like my attorney who triggers me to the depths of me. I sit across from him and I can see how he shakes, is old, and should be retired but is being stubborn about hanging onto his practice. He is forgetful, and admits it but in his next breath says he is still as smart as a whip. He embarassed me so much in my deposition because he had to talk about "him" so much and when he went into talking about how he is Jewish, but is not a "bad jew" and married a Catholic woman and let her raise their children as "she" wished, WOW, it was so inappropriate and took so much time from my deposition that my deposition wasn't finished and for over 2 years I am still waiting for it to be finished. And it wasn't just that conversation, he had to talk about where he went to college and who he knows too. The efforts he was trying to make to make himself seem big or above "being selfish and small minded" only made him look "selfish and small minded" and it was awful. OMG, it was so unprofessional and I was so completely embarassed by him.

So, while I see how I should "feel sorry for him" and try to deal with it. I also see that it is "hurting me". And for me, this goes all the way back to my early childhood with my brother, whom I felt so sorry for, but feared him and he "did" hurt me. And now because I am struggling with PTSD that is crippling, I do truely struggle to the depths of me, and I get "crippled in my attorney's presence" and even hearing his voice flat out disables me. And I suffer a temendous amount of "guilt and shame" because I can't seem to find a way for this crippling affect to "not take place". Which is a common complaint of PTSD sufferers.

What is even harder for me, is that I do "not" have any kind of strong presence I can have with me to help me. And, that too is exactly what happened to me in my childhood. And because my attorney has my medical file and knows my condition, he does use it against me to cover up "his" mistakes and shortcommings as he "talks down to me". Again, this is what I dealt with my whole childhood because I was the youngest and weakest in my family and my brother did manipulate me because of this too.

And like my childhood, I have been "stuck" with this situation for "years" now. And, I have called around and talked to different attorneys, and "none" of them want to get "involved" because my attorney has a very long career and no one wants to "disrupt" the rythm of whatever they have accomplished in how they "interact" and "deal" with my attorney in cases. And, if I try to bring this situation to the board, I know full well that because my attorney has my medical file, he knows I have PTSD, he will use that against "me" to say that "I am a difficult client that has a mental disorder and "he" is the one that is trying to "work around "me". AND, I do have diagnoses that are totally "wrong" in my file and though I have been told they are "wrong" no one will put it in writing, because they don't want to get involved with anything I could use in a lawsuit or any kind of legal action because of "errors made".

Basically I have been stuck in "a ground hog day scenario" where I wake up and have the same problem every day. And I honestly don't know how to stop the way it is crippling my brain. It is also very hard to know that the opposing side wants me to wear down and become weary so I will settle for "peanuts" just to make it go away. I truely feel that what I am dealing with is worse than "waterboarding". And I have way too much debt and losses to walk away, I will lose way too much and so will the damaged animals.

Basically I have been trying very hard to help my brain get stronger so I can hand my attorney my "demand" and have the energy to get him to understand it, see me and not just do as little as possible to get rid of me, my case and be done with it. My attorney is now 80 and he is "not" in a place where he is "hungry enough" to stand with me and fight. I am lucky if he can even remember as he had forgotten so many sceduled depositions last year that it completely disabled me. I was in no condition to have to remember the trama and need to get out the details so I could finally decompress with that part being "finished" for a while. I still can get called at any time to finish being deposed. And, where I left off was getting to the part that is the "most" uncomfortable to recall, and talk about. I ended my last deposition stuck in a flashback and it was awful and completely "embarassing".

Rose, we were posting at the same time. I can really relate to what you are saying about stepping up to the plate to be a "strong" presence for others. Ofcourse you will do that because you know the genuine need very intimately. I would do the same. I would also experience what you experienced afterwards and have your same thoughts as well. However, the fact that this young man was "outnumbered" is often a deterant from showing too much "agression". It is however a risk, because we all know that something bad could happen anyway if the person is "angry enough". You do have to understand that you have had a "normal" reaction to this situation, however you will feel the stress and anxiety longer and stronger than others who feel "normal" anxiety and can collect themselves back quicker. It is "very easy" to have this push you into feeling "defeat" because that is PTSD. Just be more aware of that and make it a conscious point to consider the positives. You "were" strong and you "did" handle the situation well.

I have to work at that "constantly" myself, and it is a challenge because the feeling of "defeat" is very strong. What I have discribed above is the one area where I truely get totally crippled. The fact that I finally pushed myself to even touch all my very sad files and get my "demand" together, is a big deal. It took "months" of finding ways to push past how my brain just shuts down whenever I went near the files.
However, the next part of finally sending it and talking with my attorney is bringing a block where I am "stuck". And even if I had my husband go with me, it doesn't work because my husband just gives in and
I end up with "two against one" and I "know" that would be way too crippling.

Open Eyes