I'm feeling really nervous posting this - I just don't feel safe enough to post anymore or that I can give enough on here but I woke feeling so traumatised this morning that I really need to... to, idk, just get it written down somewhere....

I woke from a dream that so closely resembles what's coming up for me right now and I haven't been able to shake the feelings off all day.

In my dream I was 6, which was about when it happened, whatever 'it' was, and my dad was making me have sex with him. He was treating me, and talking to me like I was a grown woman.

I've been left with so many feelings that are familiar but feeling way more intense today - distress, disgust at myself, fear, claustrophobia, feeling loved and wanted because he wanted me but so, so ashamed and dirty and untouchable.

I had t today and was a snotty wreck. She couldn't reach me and I left feeling like I contaminated her with my poison and at the same time feeling so unwanted.

I hope someone's listening...