I had the best session ever with T today.

It was the last time we'll see each other until January, and it was a pretty lighthearted session. It's pouring here, and it was cozy in his office. I gave him his Christmas presents and felt like a little kid while he ooohed and aaahed over them, and I brought the calendar I make each year for the grandparents with my kids' pictures in it, and he sat with me on the couch and looked through it.

I had a really crazy week with my mom in the hospital, but I came to some really BIG, positive realizations this week...one after another...and it felt so good to sit there and tell them to T.

At the end of session, we were talking about the break, and whether we would stay in touch/how we would stay in touch, etc. I told him I realized I need less of him than I thought I did for all of these years...that if he just reaches out with a "hi, thinking of you" type of e-mail every once in a while, I feel so fine and secure. He said he would send me some over the break.

And I realized, and said: "I trust you". And I DO. I realized I trust that even if he forgets to e-mail, that his good intentions are still real, and that his caring is still real. I don't expect him to forget at all, but the feeling of trusting him was so deep.

We talked about how it's different than "trusting the connection". I trust HIM. My T.

That led to a discussion about this year, a little. T teared up and said that the benefit AND consequence of long-term therapy with one person is the experience of sticking it out through each others craziness.

And I realized...we MADE it. This was such a hard hard hard year with T and there we were, at the last session of this crazy year, trusting each other, and we DID IT. We made it through all of that stuff to that moment. T reached out for my hand and we talked a little more about how in therapy, especially the kind I'm in, both the therapist and client get to "rework" things...like having so much conflict and craziness and difficulty and finding out that on the other side, the person and the love are STILL THERE. And then I just leaned over and hugged him.

I feel so amazed and grateful that we made it to here. I know there will be conflicts and confusion in the future because that's how relationships are, but the trust is real. I really trust it will be okay. I trust T.

And I owe a huge debt of gratitude to everyone on PC who helped me get through all of this. I don't know if I would have landed where I am without you guys.

I feel teary, and SO grateful.