the las few weeks have been tough for me.i have been dealing with things that i have never wanted to feel or even acknowledge.never wanted to speak out loud. one thing i am seeing is in dealing with some pretty horrible stuff my T has been stead fast and strong . making decisions when i just couldn't because it has gone against everything i believe.right or wrong. she has listen to my crazy ranting and has yet to conform to what i believe and to hold true to her opinion that is drastically different then mine. when i was sure she was ready to walk away i couldn't believe she was right there saying yes she will still see me.countless hours of silence that she continues to sit through .allowing it to be whatever it is.

yesterday i shared with her a story of my life that i have never shared with any other T or in RL .i have shared some here. but never to speak the words i did. and she was OK .she used words like abuse,humiliation, trauma. words i have always had a hard time hearing.she seemed to make it OK .no big deal .she seemed to understand just this small simple piece of my history .she could understand my level of mistrust and accept it for what it is. can i really trust this person to help me start to make some sort of sense out of my life to i can actually be happy

one of the big things i cant seem to figure out is what is OK to say,what is important.what i told is just a small drop in the bucket of a huge amount of horror.how do i deal with that kind of thing because it seems just huge and endless.so many endless streams of beating and horrible things .i feel if i say one small thing an endless stream of horror is also attached to that .how can you process something so huge in my head.it is endless and overwhelming. any input in this would be so welcome.kind of like if you were attacked and horribly beat one day.that is something horrible to have to process .how do you even begin to process this as one of a lifetime of beatings and abuse.when it is so common place is it even abuse then or even traumatic.it seems just common every day life .how can you label it trauma. am i making any sense at all???anyway thanks for reading