Sorry for the length but I think it's necessary to fully explain myself. Those of you who've been here for a while know my story, but we have a lot of new people so I'm briefly going to go through it again.

When I was a teenager and in my early twenties, I had every trait of BPD but didn't know what it was. Mental illness was severely shunned in my family and I convinced myself that the way I acted and behaved was within the normal range. I did everything that was BPD. I have several rocky relationships, I fought with my husband and did the entire pull/push/clinginess/manipulation stuff with him for over ten years before things settled down. I lost several friends in college who decided they'd had enough of me and left. I SI's and attempted to commit suicide. It was all there.

Then in my mid to late twenties it started settling down. I was in a stable relationship and anyone who could have possibly been a friend was violently pushed away before any of the BPD stuff could regain control. It wasn't perfect. I started comtemplating suicide again not long after my son was born, I had major anxiety and disassociated at work for a while, and I lost my best friend when I pushed away one time too many, but things were better overall. I was able to cope for the most part. I had more problems when my dad died and my mom turned me in to the blacksheep of the family but I was even able to get over than in relatively short order.

Then, about a year ago, without going in to the detail again, I allowed myself to get involved in a friendship. The first one since college. Everything in an extremely short amount of time came out. Every single trait reemerged in extremely short order. I lost control very fast, and needless to say, it didn't end well. I manipulated and pushed/pulled too much and was left. Despite that, one good thing came out of it. I discovered BPD. I was shown the 9 traits by my friend. My mouth probably opened wide at my discovery. Every single trait, without exception, fit like a glove. It was me. There was no way I could deny it. My mind, however, rebelled. How could I have a MH disorder? How could I see a therapist or get help? It was against everything I was raised with. My problems, however, continued to build and I couldn't deny it though it took me a while to fully accept it.

About two months before we moved, I had a total, complete breakdown at work and no longer had a choice. I had to try to get help. I went to a MH counselor/psychiatrist and was given Xanax for the anxiety. Maybe I approached them the wrong way, but I didn't realize it at the time. I told them that I wanted to be tested and evaluated for BPD. I was told that they would only label me under extreme conditions because "it is almost impossible to treat". I knew that in order to have successful treatment for anything, plus I was still losing it from even going, that you had to go for a while to build up a patient/doctor relationship, and we were getting ready to move. There was no time. I saw them another time or two and let it go at that.

In the meantime, I attempted to gain support from my husband. I CAN'T talk about it...at all. I did a little the first time and when I was discounted, I decided to write it out. I wrote a long note that took me about a week, off and on, to write. I showed my husband the traits of BPD. I told him, gave him specific examples of how each trait applied to me....and he completely invalidated me. He told me flat out that "anyone can have BPD depending on how you interpret the traits". I can't talk to him about it at all now. A month or so ago, I was very upset and mentioned it and he said, "but you wrote that note months ago." I guess all the problems disappeared without me being aware of it.

Well, we moved. My reason for leaving was way different than my husband's but he left the ultimate decision to me and I chose to go. I had to. The abandonment feelings had come to a complete head and I was irrational and very impulsive. I was certain that if I stayed I'd end up being arrested. I left. A few weeks before we left, I discovered PC, and talking to everyone on here helped cement my thoughts about BPD even more, and help me cope a bit better.

I was hoping once I was out of the area my mind would settle back down; that I'd once again learn how to cope, but I don't see that happening. It's not going away. I've been trying to practice meditation and get involved in DBT, but I have no support. I basically work on it is silence, scared that if I'm discovered I'm just going to be invalidated again. I basically have to suffer and attempt to help myself in silence. No one gets it on the homefront. I need support. PC has been a great support, but it can't help me solve the problem, and I'm willing to work my *ss on it, but I need someone to believe me, acknowledge that I have problems so I can feel a little supported at home. The only way that might happen is to get officially diagnosed.

We don't have insurance and our income is too much to apply for any kind of assistance. There's a clinic in the phone book that does free evaluations, but there are so many who won't even look at BPD or who refuse to consider BPD as a possibility. I'd like it to be completely objective with me not saying a word before the evaluation, but I'm also scared to get someone who won't even consider it. I can probably put forth a little bit of money for an evaluation, but at the present time, I can't afford full or even part time counselling or therapy. I just want to be fairly and completely evaluated and then maybe try to find a support group or DBT class I can enroll in. The thing I need more than anything else, though, is support at home. For someone to believe me, and that won't happen without being evaluated. Even then it may not happen. My husband had a few bad experiences with counselors growing up, but it's worth a try. I can't suffer in silence anymore.

If anyone can offer any suggestions on how to procede or where I might be able to go, please do so. I know a lot of you were misdiagnosed or passed around before you got a diagnosis, and I also know quite a few of you have not yet been diagnosed for various reasons. I just want to try to do this right. I really have no doubts. I've never been more at home than I have with you guys. Your stories and problems are mine to a key, but that stupid little piece of paper that says it in writing may make a gigantic difference. I have to have some support at home.