I have been away from PC, since sometime in October. That's been kind of lonely for me, but it did help to calm down the awful neck spasms that I was getting. (I have a degenerative disc problem in my neck.)

I've been really awful depressed lately, and I kept trying to get through to my doctor. I found out about a program I wanted to participate in, and I needed a referral from him (my pdoc.) For weeks, I was getting nowhere on this. Meanwhile, I was becoming just more and more depressed, worse than ever in my life.

Where I get my psych care is a pretty crummy place but I'm stuck with it. Yesterday, my pdoc's nurse telephoned me and I was awful toward her. I told her that I would never believe anything she said. (I had been told the referral had been made, and that was not true.) Today, my psychiatrist called me, and I told him that I would never have any faith in him, or in anyone, at this facility. He told me that he was very offended.

It doesn't sound too bad the way I summed it up here. Trust me - I was a complete jerk in the way I talked. This isn't the first time in my life I have gone nuts like this. It seems to come out of feeling very hurt and ignored when I've tried to get help at times of feeling extremely depressed.

In the aftermath of losing all poise and dignity, I have felt far more depressed than I already did, which was beyond what I can even adequately express here. Now I am thoroughly disgusted with myself. I don't even expect to recover to ever feeling decent again. The despair is overwhelming me.

A year ago, at this time, I was fairly well. All I see is my mental condition going downhill. A year ago, I was starting a new job, and my house was beautifully cleaned and decorated for Christmas, and I was reading recipes for making baked ham. By February, I had failed at the job. Still, I muddled through the year with ups and downs. Easter went okay - with another nice ham dinner. I got approved for SSDI in June. In October, I started unraveling. But I could pull it together. The Thanksgiving weekend went decent, with my S.O. and I going out to see the movie, Lincoln. Then I crumbled up inside. I am becoming good for nothing. My place is a mess. I am a mess. The neck pain got worse in October. Between the neck pain and depression, my life feels worthless to me.

I live alone. I've behaved ugly to my S.O. and am staying away from him to give him a break. Anything he says hits me wrong and I get angry. Meanwhile, his health is failing and I am griefstricken over this. Thinking of these things brings tears.

Recently, I visited my brother, who is very disturbed. He was awful to me and it shocked me. That was kind of when I got very distressed. But that was just the straw on the camel's back. I keep calling a support line and I just break down sobbing. They are very nice there.