Codel,
when you cut yourself or touch the injured site for the sting, what you are doing is causing your body to release endorphins. Those are the bodies natural pain killers and euphorium producers. Its the same chemical that is released when runners push past their limit, or wieght lifters push themselves to lift heavier bars or more repititions. The problem is, you can build a tolerance to those endorphins just as you would if you were using drugs. When the tolerance builds, you don't get the same "high" from little cuts, and start having to make more serious, deeper cuts. Don't kid yourself, that kind of behavior can escalate quickly with the result being either death by bleeding out or infection, and more commonly doing permanent damage to a limb.

I started to harm myself in my early teens. At first, I'd just heat a nail with a large head until it was glowing red and "brand" my arm. I wanted to see how long I could endure the pain. That turned into cutting with a blade on my wrists and arm at the bend between the upper and lower arm. I accidently cut a nerve there and can't stand for the area to be touched because the nerve is damaged. I'm 49, that happened when I was a little older than you. There are scars all over me.

Before I stopped cutting for good, about two years ago, my cutting almost killed me. I went on a four day spree of serious cutting. One day I just picked up blade, went into the bathroom and sat down on the closed toilet. I rolled my pant leg up to my knee and extended my lower leg. Then I held the blade above my head, lined up with my inner calf, turned my head and let my hand holding the blade, fall with its full weight. When I turned my head and looked, there was a four inch incision that went through skin, fat and muscle. I could see the end of a blood vessel pouring blood. I just sat and watched as the blood puddled first around my foot, then ran in a wide area across the floor and began running through the space at the bottom of the door. Had my friend not been in the house and seen the blood coming out from under the door, I would be dead now. I did that four times over four days. By the end of the spree, I was pale, nauseated and weak.

I tell you that not to gross you out, but to show you what can happen when the behavior isn't dealt with and stopped. Besides the blood loss, I could have died from infection, blood clots or lost the limb. There are deep divets where I cut during those four days, and my lower legs have areas of numbness. Get help with your cutting right away before it escalates. It will be easier to stop it now than if you wait.

Crying doesn't mean you are weak. You are in emotional pain and depressed. Unfortunately, friends to have a tendency to drift away when you are having problems. They don't know what to do, don't want to get involved and some may be scared. Those left standing with you are your real friends. The important thing is that you get help as soon as you can. You don't want your memories of this time in your life to be full of pain. Anything that bothers you to the extent that you are self distructive is serious.

Let us know how you are doing.

Sam2