http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/Downl...tOfBrainPP.pdf

Big Mama, this is the whole link that should bring someone to the ariticle.

Thanks for sharing, I had not seen this specific information before. Well, I have read up on PTSD alot, so I do understand alot, but I like how this explains it as well.

What I had "not" seen anything on before is "abortion" and how that also brings on PTSD or trama symptoms.

I can say that I was truely "tramatized" by that entire event and my family kept telling me to "not to think about it, it is over, get it out of your mind now" and I just could not do that, and carried it all my life in a very troubled way, feeling as though I should never discuss it or bring it up again.

It was such a painful and horrible experience. I was so alone, the people that were performing it were so cold, no calming talk and it made me feel as though I was a terrible young woman. No one talked to me about it either.

When I did have it done, there was absolutely nothing given for pain, I was wide awake and it was so terrible to go through, so incredibly painful and it seemed to go on forever. I WAS SO COMPLETELY ALONE and all I kept hearing was "don't talk about it, get it out of your mind now" and none of my family was there to see what horror I went through during the procedure. On top of that because they didn't know the truth of "why" there was also a tone of "disappointment' there as well.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I felt that something bad might happen and that somehow my punishment was going to take place. And so I was always very scared inside. I used to go walking during my pregnancy with my mother on a track and one day while I was walking there was a down's syndrome child there too. When I saw that child the fear inside of me grew to "maybe I will be punished that way".

In my nineth month, my husband went out on a binge and never came home. I was up all night and the next morning I got in my car, sat across from my little house in a church parking lot until I saw him pull into our driveway. It is the same emotional battle every time it happens, first there is incredible anger, yet, you love this person so there is also "is he ok" and if "he is ok" then I can finally let the "anger out".

Once I saw he was home and "ok" then I just wanted to "run" somewhere and be away with the anger and my thoughts of how could he do this to me when I am so very pregnant with his child? But, then there is that other deep guilt of thinking, "this is part of my punishment".

My delivery went on forever, over 30 hours and 20 was hard labor and I finally had to be given a spinal because I was way too exhausted and had not dialated enough. Always in the back of my mind "punishment" was in the making.

After I delived my daughter I could not hold her, I was shaking so much because my body went into shock. They did not show me her right away, she didn't cry right away either, and so part of my shock included a temendous fear of "punishment".

When I saw her, and she was ok, I still could not hold her because I was shaking so bad. I could not share with anyone how my brain was so worried and then so relieved.

I always felt that the more I loved her, the more something might happen to take her from me as "punishment".

I had a friend that I have talked about before and she constantly talked about abortion and that it was a sin. I always kept silent, and she would go on and on about it. She would say, what is a fetus, a peanut, a piece of fruit, and then end in saying, no it is a human being and abortion is "murder and a sin".

The only thing she did say to me one day, is that if we sin, we can still be forgiven.
She told me that all you have to do is pray and say "God forgive me if I have offended thee" and God would forgive. And I say that prayer constantly.

I wish people could understand how hard it is to struggle with PTSD. I really feel so bad for anyone that is challenged with it and often "so alone" with no one to talk to about how hard it is.

The other thing this article really hits home with is how hard it has been for me in this damn lawsuit. I kept trying to say that I needed to not have to keep remembering it so much, that I could not even touch my files. I honestly could not understand why my brain would "just shut down" every single time I went near that huge mess of papers in the corner of my computer room. I just could not understand why I could "not" go near it. The front part of my brain would tickle and just shut down. And then I would just come to PC, not wanting to think about it, and in my mind say "maybe tomarrow".

I sat across from my attorney with tears in my eyes, begging him to please get the deposition done, and that I had to have time with my therapist so I could be ready.
He listened and then said, "well, I just listened to you for almost and hour and I get paid $800 an hour so you should be "grateful". Then he forgot another one.
I even told him I was "suicidal" and HE DIDN'T LISTEN.

I really, really wish other people understood how very hard it is. I talked about "language" in a post and how those who struggle have a hard time with "language" and how important it is to "listen". I spend a lot of time helping others work through the language part of their challenges. And I often see how some struggle with trying so hard to find the "language" in their long posts. Yes, I do see the missing words and how often I have to read and try to put things together that are not there too. And then I sit and think about how I can help that person with "language" and words.

I know very intimately that the person who struggles with PTSD also struggles with a lot of "defeat" and often a "desire to give up somehow". I constantly make sure I remind them to "self care" and "do not listen to that symptom of PTSD, no matter how strong it is".

I know some people have thought the worst about me, things like "oh she must just want to be some big authority know it all, or very popular or something devious and so completely far from "my reality". Even, I think I will go after her and "put her in her place" too. Well, unfortunately PTSD leads down a road of being "very misunderstood" and there is an endless supply of "ignorance" handed to those who genuinely "struggle". What it is really all about is a tremdous effort to bring language to "self and others" that can truley bring a much needed sense of "relief" and "comfort" to those that "truely struggle" and are constantly misunderstood, by others and even themselves.

Open Eyes