Sara,

I hear your pain and frustration and love for your children. I speak here from the point of view of someone who has been abused by my father, has a mother who did not see it, I still have PTSD (age 36), have DID, and I have a 2 yo daughter who was abused before my husband and I adopted her.

I've gone back and read through your posts. The computer makes it hard to say something gently, so please try to read this gently. Have you considered that your son is now abusing you? And you are allowing him to do this? He is 22 years old and I do not believe that you will be able to change him or force him to go through therapy. An adult must want to change before they will change. If he does have DID, that does not excuse his behavior.

I truly agree with the others who have recommended that you begin therapy for yourself. To help you understand what has happened and how to best proceed from here. You are not teaching your 22 yo about love by allowing him to treat you that way. You are not setting a good example for your 4 other children either. Would you want your daughter(s) to allow someone else to treat them the way your son treats you? Loving your son does not mean that he should be allowed to do whatever he says he needs to do. If you have been abused by your ex-husband, you may have learned a dynamic about being abused that is hard to break out of without professional help.

If you have a therapist who is experienced with abuse and PTSD, you will be able to discuss available options on how best to support your son at this point, without going broke. If you set firm boundaries and stick to them, will he end up on his own (by getting kicked out of the house)? If he does, a therapist will help you know where he can go. From what you wrote, it sounds like it is not your fault that he was abused by his father. If you are currently operating from a position of feeling guilty, you need to find a way to move out of this and support your son in a more healthy manner. I suggest that if you can only afford for your son to go to therapy, use some of that money for you to go to therapy too and cut back on his a little. If he goes weekly, have him go 3 weeks per month and you go once per month. Or each of you go every other week. If he is choosing not to go to therapy, use that money to go extra for yourself.

I really feel for you, Sara, and wish that it were easier to deal with situations like these. You and your family have gone through a lot, and you must be a very strong woman to be here now. If I have said too much, or the wrong thing, I am sorry. It is difficult to know what to say.

Elizabeth