I figured something else out!!! I FOUND A PATTERN AND I UNDERSTAND IT!!! I look up to and admire women who are older than I who are smart and accomplished/successful. I put these women up on a pedestal to aspire to or I seek their acceptance/approval. There acceptance to me is a form of validation that I am worth something. I never looked up to my mom but I always tried to hide from her. I was afraid of her. I never felt loved and truly accepted by her. I feel that powerful successful women in my life represent my need to be loved and accepted by my mom and what I wish she was like as a mother figure: smart, successful, and kind/nurturing.