They say depression is anger turned inwards, and I was very VERY depressed for a long time. For many months in therapy I was pretty flat in affect, just spoke politely and was pretty detached about things.. I didn't think I was angry, or that I displayed anger.. but T must have been picking up on something.. It finally came up in my therapy when one time I'd had an issue during the week and I brought it up. I said that it surprised me I got mad because I didn't think I had any issues with anger... T's response? 'Oh but you DO!' My face?

Further on in therapy and I started getting 'real' and feeling my emotions.. and these emotions started to come out in session. One time she actually pushed my buttons to MAKE me mad and I knew she was doing it, and she knew I knew she was doing it. I was trying so hard to squash the feelings down and be my polite self, but T kept audibly noting all my body language that tipped her off, teasing me about all the ways she knew I was angry. It was kind of funny, and I was laughing at her, whilst trying to stop all this rage surging up. She'd say things like 'You're pissed off at me now, aren't you?' And I was like 'No! At least not at you...' I didn't want to be mad, I can't even remember if I knew WHY I was, and I couldn't imagine actually being mad with my T... but in the end I had to admit defeat and do what she wanted to have me do to process it. I emailed her later and told her 'well played' She replied 'Thank you '

I think I was afraid to show T my anger, because I didn't think she'd approve? But by her demonstrating that it was okay for me to have the feelings I did, and that she accepted me anyway - warts and all - it was freeing.

After that, T steadily got to hear more and more of my ranting about various things, but again, not AT her, just TO her... and she said it was good in a way that it was coming out, like I was 'emotionally thawing'...

Fast forward a couple months or so, we had the rupture and then she got anger directed AT her also. That didn't go down quite so well... ... but she maintained she could 'take it', whilst telling me it's an issue I need to work on. Emotionally I currently seem to be something of a toddler having tantrums. T says because I didn't learn to deal with my emotions properly when I was young, I just used to squash them down and 'put them in the pressure cooker' which would blow occasionally or would fester and make me depressed or ill... now I have to learn to deal with emotions as they come up. Hopefully that's something she can help me with when she gets back off her epic Xmas break..