((((( Orange Moira ))))) thank you too for replying.

I think your idea of working in a group setting is right on. One reason why I like forums such as PC, because you're not operating in a vacuum then but dealing with real live people, only much safer than in real world. Funnily enough I saw Pdoc the other day (he's dxed me with paranoid personality disorder, which he confirmed in this recent meeting) and HE said that people with ppd should avoid groups - I tried to point out to him that that might hold for truly paranoid people who don't know they're paranoid but that in fact its what I really want, to be able to mix with people, especially when there is a legitimate reason for my being 'allowed' to be there... He gave me details of a self improvement course happening in the new year which is not group therapy as such but is mixing with other people in a controlled environment. That will be interesting, I do want to go but am really anxious, it's one thing being in a group with other people who are also 'ill', it's quite another when you're in a group of 'normal' people and have to pretend to be normal and ok like them...

Ack I really am rambling a lot at the moment, I'll try and be more concise.

Thank you for this, it does help me .

Snap! I think I know more than your average T these days, the amount of reading I've done.

I do find it frustrating when you get that attitude from Ts that they 'do therapy not diagnosis'. I can understand that Ts would rather relate to the person not a diagnosis, but sometimes it is important to know what one is dealing with. I feel a whole lot better in many ways having specific and fixed labels to apply to what's wrong with me, it's a validation of the fact that I KNOW there's something wrong but, as you might have found with all the reading you do, it could be any one of an endless combination of often conflicting and opposing things that is impossible for a person, subjectively, to work out for themselves.

If you think it AvPD fits how you are, do you find it useful? Are you able to use the dx to come up with ways of understanding and potentially changing negative things you want to change?

Sounds like you have a certain level of potential paranoia operating too? It's so frightening being like this - being afraid of other people and their judgements and potential criticisms - and equally not knowing for sure, it's the uncertainty of it all that's so debilitating and exhausting.

Gosh you are writing so many things that I could have written about myself. I too have that awful terror that if I take in kindness and praise people will 'know' all this bad stuff about me, I'll be exposed and seen as shameful and bad and that's when I get the most paranoid, I can experience praise and admiration and kindness as a trick to make me expose my bad self... it sounds like you have the same sort of set up, and yeah that is painful. I'm sorry you too have such a painful life .

As for daydreaming, I've read in the descriptions of AvPD that living a fantasy life is one of our things. I know I used to live entirely in a fantasy in my head when I was younger, but in recent years I've lost the ability to fantasize or daydream (too much cold hard reality slapping me in the face) so I just wanted to say, don't knock it, if it helps you cope and stops the garbage feelings, then use it as much as you need to. In the end you will choose if and when to step out of a daydream into reality, and that retains for you the choice to step right back if you need to. Having it stripped away removes all choice and you're left with no safe place to hide and self soothe .

Oh again I've really gone on, sorry!

Thanks again for replying, hope you're doing ok today

Torn