I felt the same way you did when I was younger.
In fact, I threw out the medications and didn't take them, but that led to more hospitalizations.
I would stop taking them then a few weeks after feeling my high went back into the hospital with even more meds that I had before. They just kept piling it on after each hospitalization.

So I guess, it was acceptance on my part that I needed this medication.

I have bipolar as well, and although I feel emotionless sometimes and life is kind of just plain and ordinary, I remind myself is the alternative is more and more hospitalizations and even MORE medication.

Am I happy about that? Not really? I miss having a vivid imagination and being able to daydream for hours. Now that is completely gone. But I have to realize I fall too far into that imaginary world because of the bipolar and then I can't decipher what is reality anymore.

So yes, I totally understand what you feel and your struggles. But the high of bipolar can lead to devastating things out of your control, and I wouldn't want to see anything happen to you.

Good luck, and if you want to talk, I am an inbox message away