I didn't fully realise it until tonight ... but now is the first time that i've actually 100% been alone. Last year i had so many people that i was close to ... so many people that i trusted ... so many people that i loved. but now they're all gone. I'm here, and their there. Tonight i went out to dinner with some people on my floor, and we went to this pub/restaurant overlooking the arena ... i literally felt sick to my stomach being there. I kept having like flashbacks to when i was there for hockey, to when i was there with my second family pretty much .... and all of my decisions about not playing varsity hockey this year were thrown back in my face. I chose not to play this year .. i thought it would be good to take time off and step back and re-evaluate my life .... maybe it was just the depression thinking though. My roomate is gone for the night ... i spent a good time contemplating if i should take some pills and just sleep .... i'm just not thinking clearly anymore. I'm not motivated to do anything ... all i want to do is sleep and cry ... but even that is too much effort. I dont know what to do ...