Hi Hamstergirl,

I'm sorry you're frightened, angry and sad. And I'm sorry for your pain. I wonder... why did you say you "dare not show any of that... to anyone"? I have a friend who has taught me to be myself, to be authentic-- and if that means crying when I feel sadness in the middle of someone's birthday party, then so be it. Why do you dare not? What do you think will happen if you do? And what could possibly be wrong if you sang while waiting for the care givers to give you some care? (I would maybe refrain from belting out hymns in the quiet zone of a hospital, but it would calm and comfort you to sing quietly to yourself, wouldn't it?)

I understand your frustration at the medical community. I don't have any physical health problems but I've been to the emergency room for a dog bite and other various things and I know the waiting and the sometimes impersonal service just plain sucks. I can't stand going to the doctor for a check-up or if my OCD acts up and I'm convinced I have cancer or some other terminal disease--I just feel like a number. The most you can do is try to practice patience and tolerance-- that's all you can do because you can't change anyone else. You can only change the way you react to people and situations. It is bad for your heart health to be angry and resentful. I'm putting a big loving intention out to the Universe that you and everyone else who is suffering start having positive, efficient, caring and non-stressful experiences with the medical community.

I hope you don't always feel that you need protection from doctors! If you feel that they are harming you, even with their bedside manner, just gently remind them of their hypocratic oath and ask them if they could be more present and gentle-- that you've been through a lot and you need to feel human and like you are being cared for. If you ask them gently, I'll bet they'll comply.

I don't know if you're up for a pretty big suggestion, but I don't suppose it could hurt if I give you one. Next time you are in a place where you feel "ugly things are happening" try to clear your mind and meditate on one good thing that might be happening in the building. If it's a hospital, maybe you could envision a baby being born to parents who've had 3 miscarriages... or someone emerging from a successful open heart surgery-- someone's Grandma, maybe. And try to picture her grandchildren all around her hospital bed. Good things do happen in the medical community... I'm sure someone has relieved your suffering once or twice-- maybe you could meditate on them and fill your heart with gratitude and hope. I know some of what I'm saying sounds sappy and new age or whatever and I hope it's not pissing you off like when someone tells you to "just relax" when you're anxious, but I know for a fact that putting positive thoughts out with your energy can help your health-- physical and emotional. There are some good books out there about the mind/body connection. Dr. Joan Borysenko has written one called "Minding the Body/Mending the Mind" (I think that's the title) and it might give you some new coping methods to try so you aren't so angry and frightened. It sounds like you have a lot of strength in you-- you could really use that strength to your advantage.

You say "this isn't ever going to stop" and that may be true until they find cures for your ailments, but you can stop and change the way you react to it and nobody can stop you from doing that except you.

I hope you take this message as one of lovingkindness, from a stranger who cares. I have no idea what you experience on a daily basis and I don't know how I'd handle it in your shoes, but if you harness your inner strength, you can change some things.

Take good care,
-Kelly