I'm sorry you've been struggling so much. I can definitely relate to a lot of what you said.
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I feel like I have to lose weight otherwise I suck, and I "failed."
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I've been struggling with this too. But what is "succeeding" in an eating disorder? One of my old therapists once told me that "the best anorexic is a dead one"
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The thing is, I went to an a.b.a. meeting on friday. It was totally awesome, and I've been having regular meals since then!
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I'm so glad you found the meeting to be helpful! Keep going!