I'm itching to email you. But I know it's better that I don't. It's not like you said I couldn't.. but I don't want you to be overwhelmed by an inbox full of nonsense when you get back. Plus, my emotions are so up and down that things I write may be irrelevent by the time you read them... Plus, because I don't know how things are between us, writing feels like a risk.. I don't want to make things worse.. or make myself even more vunerable.. or feel any more shame... yes, it's just better I don't write. But I miss you. I want to tell you things. Your being completely absent from my life is hard to bear.. I'm not sure it's something I can get used to. I hope I don't have to.. ever, really.. but certainly not yet. I need my 'training wheels' back.