The doctors were kind. They were gentle. I never showed my anger towards any of them, just quietly waited my turn and quietly let them do to me what had to be done.

They were kind. They were gentle. And I feel something horrific has just taken place. I feel violated, contaminated. All they did was a simple medical procedure and I feel sickened. Very, very sick and very, very vulnerable.

I didn't sleep for a full 36 hours yesterday. Were it not for Father Lindsay, I wouldn't have eaten. Even after I went to bed, I didn't sleep through the night. I kept waking up.

I feel like something terrible has just transpired.

As for changing, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I've documented any of this in writing. The first time I've let others into my life so deeply. The first time I've let others see me in a weakened state.

I could have just stayed at home and kept this a secret. My friends want me at the church. They were worried even before the river incident.

Pardon my French, but forgive me if I can't miraculously heal myself of the terror overnight.

For most, that night at the hospital would be over and done with, for me it isn't. What happened to me as a child didn't end when I left the hospital. I took it with me, physically and mentally.

That night at the hospital isn't over and it will never be over even if they fix me.

I'm trying to get people to understand and they don't. I don't even know what's going on anymore to tell you the truth.