Been there ~ sounds like you're caught in a cycle that I found myself living back in my teenage years. I did the same thing for several years. Then, I found myself in a deeper relationship as the guy I hooked fell in love with me. We got married after a few years together, yet I continued to hold this paranoia that he'd eventually leave me.

I found myself in another pattern ~ I could only give so much of myself before dissociating. Sex quickly became a chore, and very triggering for dissociation. However, I was committed to "til death do we part" and needed some sense of security to stay sane. After 14 years of marriage, my ex-hub reached his limit with me.

A year or so later, I became involved with a different man. We've been together for 3+ years now, and he now keeps me feeling valued. Thankfully, my dissociation during sexual activites has ended but I still hold that very low sense of self-worth and struggle with self-hate.

I wish you the very best on this painful road of self-acceptance. Gentle hugs to you...