I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad. The holidays can be really tough if you are alone, or already depressed, or for any number of reasons. I can definitely relate to that! Even doing better than I have in some time, it's been getting to me this month. The day before yesterday my idea of how to spend Christmas was to climb the mountain (I can walk up there from where I live) and find someplace to sit all alone and feel sorry for myself and maybe freeze and never come back down. I felt like nobody would miss me, or even notice that I was gone. We don't get this way because of making an excuse. It is a real problem, and it really hurts! Especially when you have lost people who are important to you.

Who is getting mad at you for being depressed? Is it possible that it is someone who cares about you and is getting mad because they don't know how to help you? Anger can be secondary when the primary emotion is fear. Maybe they are really afraid for you and don't know what to do. I wonder how they would respond if you could tell them that you really need someone to listen and accept that you are feeling what you are feeling, and not try to change it.

You can always find people who understand here.