Thanks for keeping a watchful eye on me! I did not mean to disappear - I was just very busy: wrapped up work in preparation for the vacation, had a meeting with the lawyer, introduced the cat sitter to my cats, etc. etc. as well as did research as I thought through this idea. And, talk to T (who did not find the idea crazy). It appears to be physically impossible for reasons unrelated to psych drugs. With psych drugs, I would be OK - all my options for sleep (low dose marijuana, low dose seroquel, low dose elavil) all appear safe for both pregnancy and breastfeeding, and the key factor is "low dose". What is not OK? Imitrex is not OK for pregnancy and Tazorac is not OK for pregnancy AND breastfeeding. These appear to be showstoppers. Not only would I not have Imitrex to abort migraine attacks (the only approved medication for headaches in pregnancy is Tylelon which does not work for my migraines) but, I have read, the hormones surging in pregnancy exacerbate migraines, making them more severe and more frequent. And I am not prepared to sign up for many many months of debilitating pain. Because it would take several months to conceive - because I am over 40, I should not expect instant conceptions I had in my twenties - plus bad amnio results may necessitate an abortion and trying again, all of which would translate into well over a year of migraines. That is too much of a sacrifice. Imitrex is not 100% effective but it is still pretty darn effective especially if used early and I have over the years become really skilled at recognizing early signs of my migraine attacks and using Imitrex right away - I always carry Imitrex in my purse. So that appears to be a showstopper. I still vividly remember a horrible migraine that I had when pregnant with my son - I was running around Austin, TX all night long trying to run away from my body and my pain. So when I read that pregnancy exacerbates migraines, I sure believed it. For some reason I did not have migraines when pregnant with my daughters, but since them, with age, they have become worse, so it is a very serious factor.

The story with Tazorac might make me appear vain, but I will tell it nonetheless. I have very good skin, and no wrinkles. I faithfully use Tazorac and it works remarkably well - my dermatologist is very pleased. A couple of days ago I saw one of my professors from Stanford whom I had not seen for over 15 years and he told me that I had not changed (he had not either - amazingly. This is someone I rather stupidly did not marry, preferring ex, but anyway). Back when we were in contact, Maria used to wonder how I am over 40 without wrinkles. I told her "use Tazorac when you hit 30, to be on the safe side". But at 40 and over, Tazorac or other topical retinoids are a must, because they are the only thing that partially reverses sun damage, and skin aging is essentially sun damage. Well, all topical retinoids are unsafe. That includes breastfeeding. Not just pregnancy but breastfeeding. When I read it, my initial reaction was "OK, so I will not breastfeed past the first year." But the more I think about it, the less realistic it appears. How would I wean a cosleeping one year old? I have no skill to do that. He or she would not know that at one it is the time to wean. They are still awfully small at one and need at least a lot of nighttime feedings. I weaned my son at 17 months by leaving him for two months with my mother. Other people do it, too - my midwife weaned her middle child at 2 by going to China for two weeks and I know of other examples, but it is traumatic for the child and I do not want to go that route again - I later felt terribly guilty. I do not now of other ways to wean that early. The child would sleep with the mother who would smell of milk and of course would want to nurse. I would feel that I should continue to nurse until at least two, then three, etc., and that would not be good for the skin on my face. But at least I can think of this a sacrifice that is within the limits: sure, I will look older but have a child - that is a reasonable trade-off. Experiencing repeated untreatable migraines for more than a year just does not seem like an acceptable sacrifice.

More thoughts.

Physicial health. I am in a better physical health other than more frequent migraines than I used to be. My immunity is better and my cardiovascular endurance is better. No showstoppers or areas of concern.

Sleep requirements. I have high sleep requirements. I cannot manage on 4-5 hours of sleep unlike some other people daily. In the beginning of a new child's life, it is not a concern: the child's sleep requirements are still much, much higher than mine. I do not know how sleep deprivation happens to new parents - I remember sleeping while breastfeeding as the best quality sleep, and Prolactin, the hormone of breastfeeding, is relaxing. So no concerns but something to look forward to. But as years would go by, I would have a problem needing as much sleep as I do because it would be hard to accomplish productive things during the few waking hours that I have. Not a showstopper but an area of concern.

Recovery after childbirth. No problems here - when my son was born in a hospital, he was taken to the nursery and I went to wash my hair. For some reason it seemed like a priority. It was before this disease with its self-care problems struck me, so washing my hair was the #1 thing. A nurse came and wondered what I was doing "You are supposed to rest". But I was not tired. After Julia was born, I had vaginal sex within the next fews days - midwives allow it after uncomplicated deliveries, unlike doctors in hospitals. I had no problem with that, and in general recovered right away despite hemorrhage after the birth. No PPD ever. So no concerns.

The birth itself. Apparently after such a long break the clock is reset and I would not have faster, easier labors as is usually the case with subsequent births. It is OK - if, at worse, the birth would take as long as my son's birth took, it is still not the end of the world - I woke up at a reasonable hour in the morning, noticed contractions, found someone to take me to the hospital and delivered at noon sharp. I can handle it again.

Delivery - I would go for midwife-assisted waterbirth at home. I have only had dry births but since I find water nice and relaxing, I think a waterbirth would be better.

Marriage - absolutely no, a resounding no. Not ready to live with a man and do not have a good skillset selecting a partner for marriage. T said that I probably do not want marriage because I enjoy my current freedoms. That is true, but I would not want an open marriage either - I just do not want guys on a live-in basis. Come and go is fine, but live-in is not. I want a family bed with a child, me, and three cats.

Cats - cats are a recent and wonderful addition to my life and I did not have them when I was having babies. They scratch, lovingly, leaving deep scratches that I do not mind but with a baby, it would not be OK. I will need to learn to trim their nails.

Lack of housekeeping skills - I am very messy and it is a complete showstopper as I see it now. When I lived with Maria and Julia, Maria was very popular and was always invited to playdates and sleepovers and was angry at me since she could not invite back to our messy place. I am better now in that I do not buy stuff any more, but I still lack skills a lot. T said that a nanny can do light housekeeping. OK, so until I can afford a nanny and a cleaning service, I cannot have a baby, period. Plus, currently my apartment cannot be babyproofed.

Candidates - I have two dates with a guy I am extremely enthusiastic about. He is a polyamorous man, even though he currently reports only one r/s that he calls "secondary" for both parties as she is married, plus she lives within an hour and a half drive. Still, polyamorous people are open and honest, which is very attractive. Plus, he has experience living (cohabiting) with a survivor of domestic abuse, and he was always patient and steadfast with her, trying to prove that he is not that kind of man, that he would not lose his temper, and that he would not become violent towards her, until she got the message. Plus, he is friendly with all exes, unlike me, and to me this is a huge plus. He says that it is just impossible for him after spending that kind of time and energy that you spend on dating to not remain friendly. That survivor of domestic abuse is now married, not in a romantic r/s with him anymore, but a "dear friend". To him, my situation with a court case is completely unthinkable. Obviously, he has no restraining orders in place against anybody. So, that civilized and that evolved. My age, a computer programmer, very open - I know his last name, have read his LinkedIN profile and the website about the book he wrote about one of the programming languages, from Oklahoma, very pleasant facial features, but heavy (I am slender in comparison). Cannot think of anything else negative. If someone like that wanted to coparent with me, providing his time on a daily basis, emotional and financial support, and a guaranteed friendship forever even if the romantic r/s ends, maybe I could suffer through the migraines. But not otherwise. When my cat Adele (who at that time was a foster kitty) ran away, I received ample support from the local cat rescue agency. Someone pulled up her photo and printed an ad "Adele has been lost" and brought me lots of flyers. Someone else posted these flyers, and yet someone else went door-to-door in my neighborhood notifying the neighbors that she had been lost. Someone gave me tips on using rottisserie chicken to attract her during the night (did not work). Someone fielded calls from people who thought that they had seen her. Ultimately she was found, and I did not feel alone. On this board, I receive support and do not feel alone. That is very important. So definitely no sperm bank - not just because I do not have the money, but because I do not want to be a superwoman anymore. I handled young children on my own, to the point of washing and hanging to dry Julia's cloth diapers, and enjoyed it, but I do not want to do it anymore. Especially if I have to suffer through pain so much, I want to be supported. If I cannot find support - emotional, physical, financial - I definitely won't do it. Plus, I do want a father figure - at least one - for the child. My inspiration is not the sperm bank solution but my midwife who has not one but two father figures for her youngest daughter - the biological father who lives with her and G., her ex husband and best friend, who handles bedtime twice a week. It is not that it is my goal, or even a stretch goal, to provide a primary and a secondary father figure - no, I think that one is enough, but one is necessary. I do appreciate Miguel's Mom's idea of a sperm bank though because it is entirely logical - it is the only solution that compltely eliminates the risk of someone claiming 100% custody. But - not doable.

Psychological evaluation - I "lost" my Axis I dx. It beat my expectations- I hoped to lose BPD on Axis II (and did) but I certainly could not have hoped to "lose" Axis I. That gives me a big pause before overhauling the current lifestyle, the medications, the daily schedule, etc., because apparently whatever I am doing is working so well. Not the only reaction, of course - another possible reaction is to say that maybe I am not so sick in the first place and can take risks. But I am leaning towards not taking risks.

Proving something - when the girls visited me, Maria said "But you cannot raise a child - who would trust you with a child?" T and I agreed that it is not a good motivation to have a child to prove a point.

Migraines - back to migraines, they do seem like a complete showstopper because they are so painful and long and the idea that a pregnancy would exacerbate them is definitely not something I wanted to hear.

Communication with the children not mediated by T: I have graduated to normal communications with my son, without assistance from my T. She helped with the hardest part and now I am on my own.

Money - to BlueInanna's idea that it is better to earn money and spend it helping the existing children than to have a baby. Yes, with respect to my son. He says that he does not need money now as education in Canada is inexpensive, but eventually he would want to study abroad (in Germany) and for that, he would need money and I would love to help him. with respect to the girls, I feel that I am being forced to support then and if the situation does not improve, I do not plan to help them once they reach the age of majority. I am just not so nice as to help kids who do not want to talk to me, even if I know that they have been brainwashed!

Medications - I had an interest in managing bipolar using Lithium alone, without AP's, before this idea of getting pregnant came up. I am still interested in doing that. Originally, when I dropped Geodon, I had trouble falling asleep - it was taking me a long time to fall asleep. This is not surprising - Geodon is known to cause sedation. But I persevered, and my body adjusted and now I fall asleep as fast as before. So I plan to continue to be off Geodon and will tell the p-doc in Jan that I want to use Lithium alone (aided by a bit of Prozac), as had been the gold standard before atypical AP's received FDA approval, en masse, for bp maintenance. But that is it: I will not stop other medications. I will just continue dating people and if someone really supportive, in all senses of this word, comes along, then, and only then, I will think about it. The thing is not how to live off medications - I had lived without medications before I was diagnosed in my thirties - but whether I would find a coparenting partner who would want to be very involved in his child's life without actually living with me (sure can have the child live partially with him post-weaning). This is a tall order, a fairly unusual request (though not too unusual) so the likelihood of finding kindred spirit is small.

Fertility. Metformin which I take for weight control is not only safe in pregnancy and for breastfeeding, but is known to increase the chances of pregnancy. So if I decide to go ahead, I would not be left completely to my own devices. I would have help.

Migraines again - the prospect of pain seems like an unsurmountable obstacle even if I find an absolutely ideal partner for coparenting. I really depend on Imitrex. I have a monthly reminder to order Imitrex so that I do not run low on my supply. I would not say that living without Imitrex is like living without oxygen, no, but it comes close - who likes pain??

Thank you again for keeping a watchful eye on me - it is true to both my son and Maria were products of impulsive conceptions so I am being very cognizant of this trend.