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Need advice/suggestions/etc! I apologise in advance for my tendency to ramble but I really need to write this down before it drives me completely insane!
My ex was severely abusive. He choked me to unconsciousness 3 times that I remember, he cheated on me constantly, I was never allowed to touch him out in public- basically any public show that I was his "girlfriend" resulted in me being yelled at, hit, pushed around, etc, once we were home. We were together for 11 months when I found out I was pregnant, when I was just 19yrs old. We broke up 2 weeks later.
We had very little contact throughout the pregnancy but he came to the hospital when our son was born- he walked 2.5hrs to get to the hospital! He was around a little bit but he was still abusive- he somehow got hold of a gun (illegal in Australia) and held it to my head whilst fully loaded!
When our son was 3 months old he snapped one morning, for no apparent reason. I won't go into detail but that incident was the last straw for me. I don't care what you do to me but my son is off limits!
I made a report to police that afternoon and applied for an Intervention Order (IVO) for myself and my son. When that went to court it was made life-long which means to have it altered or removed we have to go back to court. We have barely heard from him since and I'm happy with that.
Fast forward to now:
I met my current partner about 6yrs ago (just after the incident with my ex), we went out for about 2-3 months and broke up due to my issues. I was terrible back then- to an extent I was abusive because I was trying to deal with everything my ex had done to me and didn't know how to be in a "normal" relationship. Despite that, my partner waited for me for 6yrs! He never pushed for a relationship, just waited for me to figure out what I wanted which is him. Thank goodness one of us could see that back then!
We've been together for 4 months now and we both want the same things, eventually- marriage, family, kids. I feel comfortable showing my partner affection and receiving affection (something that was completely off limits with my ex and generally resulted in physical and verbal abuse), and love spending time with him, even if that involves sitting on the couch while he plays video games and I trudge through my university readings!
But lately I feel like I'm doubting everything. These horrid thoughts run through my head that he's going to cheat on me or he doesn't really love me; that he's just putting up with me. I love my partner and I know what I want our life to be but I can't seem to shake these ridiculous insecurities. I know they're due my ex and what he did but there are times where I just can't seem to get past it and end up transferring all my doubts and trust issues onto my partner.
How on earth does anyone get past this? Is there anything anyone here has tried that has helped? I have a useless psych who I don't feel comfortable discussing anything with, I have absolutely no family, and of the few friends I have there are none I would discuss my relationship with.
I don't want my past issues and insecurities to take over because I know it would ruin our relationship but I just can't stop these feelings and thoughts once they start!
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 Curiosity didn't kill the cat, the cat killed curiosity.
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