I haven't been on for about two weeks. I've been struggling for almost four solid months now. I have been fighting the demons of mania in the form of hallucinations and voices. They won't seem to go away no matter what I try to do. The pdoc is at a loss. I've been on everything under the sun and nothing is bringing me down. Then, I proceed to have mixed states which truly sucks. That's when I don't know if I am coming or going. My pdoc tells me that I need to write more to help me get the demons out. My wife and I are going to San Francisco for the holidays. I am already becoming very anxious about it. I can only imagine what it will be like the day of traveling. Thank goodness the pdoc gave me something for anxiety.

My therapist and my wife and I had a meeting last week. It was to discuss my progress or lack thereof. Medications are not working in regards to the hallucinations and voices and delusions. There are many times when I cannot distinguish between reality and the non-reality. We are seriously looking at hospitalization. We discussed the options and my therapist has said that she believes, as do I and my wife, that I do well in a hospital setting for a good period of time. Upon leaving the hospital, I seem to do ok for about two months, maybe three. Then all hell breaks loose again. I'm a very rapid cycler. I go through up and down periods through out the day. Then, there are times when I am manic for weeks. I don't know how I survive the mania, but I do. When I crash, I crash hard. I sleep for days and don't want to do a thing. We've been thinking about hospitalization for couple of months. I have been fighting it because I want to go on our trip. I said I would think hard about it when I come back.

I hope everyone has a happy, healthy, and safe holiday season!