I'm sorry to bug you all with this because I know there are people suffering much worse than I am, but I need to vent/commiserate with fellow anxiety sufferers.

Christmases used to be fun. I always had anxiety, but it didn't really take over until I was in my 20s. When my gramps was alive and my other grandparents were well enough to spend the holiday with us, it was a pretty nice time. My gramps could light up a room with his humor and fun personality.

Since I got married, I haven't visited my parents much despite living not that far away. My dad was extremely oppressive when I was a child. My dad is still stiff as a board, socially inept, incapable of any real emotions and makes me uncomfortable. My mom is depressed and won't seek help for it. She suffers/suffered milder panic issues herself, but now I'd say her main problem is depression. She likes to play the martyr and is always sighing about how we're dysfunctional and how she wishes she'd just leave this earth, etc. etc.

For the record, I don't know where she gets dysfunctional from. No, I don't visit, but I've followed a pretty straight path in life (no troubles with the law, drinking, smoking, drugs, etc). I don't consider having anxiety and mental issues dysfunctional, but maybe others do...

Anyway, having them over to my house causes me to panic, just as I do when I go to their house. Normally they aren't here for Christmas and travel down to see my aunt and uncle, but this year they stayed. Initially I was happy about having family to celebrate with as my husband's an atheist Jewish man. So it has always been just the two of us for Christmas and it bugged me after seeing everyone and their large families on Facebook, cheerful and posting pictures that looked like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting. For a few months, I was desperate for anyone so that I could be somewhat like those people on Facebook, even though I know I couldn't be since we don't have or want children and our families are quite small. It is stupid to try and keep up with the Joneses, I know. My dad won't even take a normal family photo. He just laughs it off and won't take a nice picture.

My anxiety was improving under the care of a new psych. I love this woman and thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then one morning I had an appointment for a very basic thing and completely panicked. Ever since then I haven't been quite right and it was a major setback.

So, after the setback, I thought, "Well, it's good the folks won't be here for Christmas after all." A few days later, I got an email from my mom saying they would be staying, and then I began getting extremely worried.

Did I mention that food and eating in front of anyone is a massive anxiety trigger? The only way I can eat in front of anyone is to take a higher dose of Klonopin, and it doesn't always work since the anxiety is through the roof.

My new psych wants me to try Luvox for my obsessiveness, but I haven't taken it as it says it can cause lack of appetite and anxiety. The lack of appetite terrifies me because I am already quite underweight and can't afford to lose anymore.

My mom knew it would be tough for me, so she left plans up in the air. When she hadn't heard from me, she said they would go out to dinner. I had planned to have them here out of obligation, but agreed it would best if they went out. Then my dad got bent out of shape about it and my mom started the heaving and sighing about how I'll never improve, it's pointless to try therapy again, yada yada.

Well, it's Christmas Eve now and almost too late to get any food ready to have them over. I don't even want to exchange gifts as my mom will likely want us to come over and have some dessert or something.

I know staying away from family is selfish as they are older and my grandma's 90 and probably doesn't have many Christmases left, but they are just huge triggers and the anxiety wins out every time. And I don't particularly like spending time with them. I just get there and want to go home.

My conclusion is that no one in my family (parents, grandparents, in-laws) is what I wish they could be and I am not what they want me to be, so it's a draw. I don't particularly love my in-laws, but when I visit them (in another state), they are surrounded by so many people (friends, extended family, co-workers) who are just *alive* for lack of a better word. They're cheerful, hopeful, happy people and if I was around them, I daresay they might improve my state of mind.

I guess I just needed to vent and ask if any of you struggle with this. Do you find your family to be stressful and triggers for your anxieties? Maybe if I had a sibling, they would be a nice buffer. I'm not sure this will ever change as even when I was panic-free for seven years, they still were stressors for me. At heart, I guess I'm a bit of a hermit.

I hope you all have happy holidays though. You deserve it after what you all go through on a daily basis.

And I'm so sorry about the length of this. My writing can get out of hand and I have a hard time editing it down to the facts only.