I want to wish you a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
I have no idea what it must be like to have 4 kids...I only have one and she lives with her mother....and take care of them, and mother them....THERE is your worth right there! Those kids need YOU mom, and you gotta dig deep and be that for them! Oh sure, I know about the self loathing...been there, still fall into it from time to time. But I want to encourage you to be the best mom you can be to your kids.
I had a very difficult last 24 hours as my ex dumped more guilt on me about our separation and impending divorce...and how its affecting my daughter. I had a VERY difficult time finding anything to make me happy...even my kid seemed to be fed up with me! But tomorrow is a new day and our kids will need us again and we gotta be there for them no matter what!
I wish you all the best...hang in there mom, you will make it thru!!