I am so sorry to be here on Christmas Eve. It should be a happy time and a time to escape the reality of life and embrace newness and the joy of a child. Not for me. I almost hate myself for being on PC complaining. I feel guilty for asking anything of anyone or risking bringing another person down. But I have no one to talk to and I am quite annoyed w/ myself.

I cought PTSD in action. I saw myself going down the wrong path and that made it worse later.

My H and I had a disagreement and I did not feel heard or understood. He badgered me and raised his voice. It was most unpleasent. Then the tears begin to flow (from frustration, you know when you reach that point and you can't do anything about the circumstances because the words won't come) My H and I have been working on physical touch and the hugging thing. anyway, he tried to hug me and I pulled away from him. Then he was not letting this go so easily (because I'm usually resistant anyway) so he was a little more forceful and I pulled away much more agressively and turned my back to him and told him "I hate you get away from me". It just came out. I am so sorry for what I said. It was the only thing I could get out. And it was so true at the moment. But it was horrible to see the PTSD right in my face. He got so angry which didn't help. I was able to tell him later that it was a timing issue. When I'm pissed and hurt by you DON'T HUG ME OR TOUCH ME.

I know that this is a bad thing but I can see the progression in my thinking. I would not have told my H to stop 6 months ago, I would let him hug me and it would be fake on my part for accepting his touch. But thinking back to rape (20 years ago) It would have been amazing wonderful to tell my assailant "Don't touch me I hate you". So where does that leave me now. Hurt, confused, empowered, hurt, confused.

Well I jsut needed to get that off my chest. It is very annoying. It is PTSD in action. It is scary that this lives inside of me. I for the first time feel the "I love you, get away from me feeling, or I hate you please hold me" feeling. Not the last one this time around definiately the first.

Thank you for listening.