I drew a butterfly on my wrist last night and named it Becky after my best friend, and it's who I least want to disapoint right now. I've been bad and haven't been taking my meds regularly. I don't want to tell my hubby (who is away for another month or so) because he will worry and be upset with me.

TRIGGER

The meds and stress have been really hard on me lately and I just want to feel okay, just for a minute. I'm scared to tell others how close to losing it I am. Lately I don't even care about possibly throwing seven years down the drain. I want to write obscenities all over my body, because that's what I feel like right now. I want to scream and show my pain, but don't want the reactions from others, or maybe I do, I don't know. I want blood. To taste it and feel it's warmth cascading down my arm. To lose myself in it. To feel nothing. I have some extra anxiety meds, but I've been taking them more lately and I'm worried I'll run out before I finish my move and get another doctor. I'm so tired. I know I should go to church tonight with the rest of the family, but I really don't want to. I don't want to see people. I just want to sleep.