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Originally Posted by Nicholas26
I had a typically innocent childhood. Raised in a Christian home and brought up to respect all women and elders. Here I am though, 20 years and 363 days after my birth on Christmas Eve sitting here itching for a hit, drooling for that sip to make my head spin. My heart is broken from love and love that is lost. This time of year couldn’t have been a better time for my girlfriend of eight months to drop me for a guy on her street, who she of course ****ed the day we broke up. That was 9 days ago. Ever since that happened, I’ve been drunk. In the past week I consumed more alcohol, pills, weed, nicotine, and caffeine in my entire life. In one week. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I’ll never know, really. I have the worst luck with love. How do I feel? This question is actually very hard to answer but if I was to try and explain how I feel I guess I would tell you that I don’t. Feelings don’t really mean anything anymore. I’m living day to day now just hoping that one day I don’t wake up. Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to be a coward and blow my own ****ing head off but for now my self medication is reliable…but I guess up to only a certain degree. Well…that’s what I’ve been told at least but it’s very hard to believe. I’m so sick of this ****ing species called the human race. They all make me sick. With their nice suburban homes and their gas guzzling SUVs with their screaming children receiving their every demand because their guardians are worthless pieces of ****ing trash that follow every rule and guideline, the most straight edge we only drink on specific occasions kind of people. Those kinds of people where money controls everything and it becomes the main reason for true happiness in the home are truly the worst people. THIS IS NEVER WHAT IT WAS ABOUT. This is most of America, I also found out there are other places in the world with just the same amount or even worse people. It’s horrible how this race has become and I don’t know whether to waste my breathe and my time by trying to change their minds or ruin my life by taking theirs. These are the thoughts it my head on a daily basis. I’m not sure if I’m crazy or everyone else but we ARE all crazy in our own way. Somebody save me please, just reach out and grab me and tell me where to go from here. Jesus Christ can’t save me. My mother cant save me. My friends can’t even save me. I, most importantly, find it incredibly difficult to save me from myself. I think about killing myself every single day and it’s embarrassing to admit. Here I am, on Christmas Eve, drinking, smoking and being with my friends…but I am alone. For the longest time it’s always been like this and now I realize, after all these years, that we are all truly alone but we lie to ourselves on a daily basis in order to coincide with our fellow man but that’s not enough, no, because we all disagree about most things, we could never work as a whole race as a family. We are in this for ourselves, no one else. This is why I am alone. You, the reader, are alone. How do you keep waking up every day knowing that even with a wife, kids, nice house, etc. you are alone? I want that….i want that so badly. I want that family life more than anything but who could be with someone so incredibly unstable? It’s difficult to hold on anymore when I know that everything is already hell and it’s just not worth trying to outweigh good with bad all the time. I’m sick of it, clearly, there is way more bad than good. If you don’t see that and consider yourself an optimist, you are lying to yourself. That is no way to live. Can someone just erase my memory and make me forget about all the bad things…well..and good things…it’s depressing to be nostalgic…all memories are just horribly depressing. I feel like lunacy is setting in.
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Nicholas, I'm going to tell you something that you probably don't want to hear. Despite the fact that your girlfriend dumped you, and you are feeling sickly depressed, You have not even begun your life yet. I think back to when I was 20 and felt like I didn't want to get through one more day. 20 seemed old and I thought all my chances were gone. Whether you believe or not, want it or not, your life is going to change drastically in the years ahead.
We all want to make a connection with someone that we can count on for the rest of our lives. Someone who puts us above all else, forgives what we do and say, doesn't care if we aren't perfect. Right now, that probably seems out of reach. In spite of the content, your post is well written and articulate. You are an intelligent young man, and I'd be willing to be that someone treasures your being in their life and would be devestated without you.
In some things we are alone. When we die, even if someone is sitting right there with us, its a journey we have to make on our own. The same goes for being born. Then there are times when you feel that way when you are older. If you give in now, you will never have a chance to make that connection that insures you will never be alone. Usually its a chance meeting.
I do know what you mean. Long ago, I lost both my wife and child to a divorce. I don't regret losing her, but my son is a different story. I used to do fine alone. I liked my quiet time and freedom. Nowadays, like you, I wish I had a family. Its too late to start over again now though. I can be in the middle of a room full of people I know and feel invisible. My health has failed me, so there isn't enough energy to start a relationship let alone hold one if I found the right person. No more kids either. Still, as along as you have life, there is hope. someone out there is waiting for you to show up. You'll know her when she does. Trusting is hard after a breakup, but there are good people.
I don't think you really want to die. You want the pain and lonliness to end. It will. It may take time, but you aren't done yet. Please try to remember that.Your life is important.
Sam2