I normally don't go. I jumped at the first one because it was the first real one I'd been invited to in over six months. The second one I was going to bail, but my parents forced me to go. I spend all of my time alone and I feel terrible no matter what. No activities satisfy me lately. All I do is lay in bed and eat, and I always feel guilty for eating because despite being fairly thin, I'm petrified of gaining weight. I already make myself ugly by cutting myself, so I can't get fat on top of that. So I lay in bed and eat, and then I feel terrible emotionally and physically. With my T we normally talk about being more social and trying to leave the house more to do things with friends, which only makes me feel better about a third of the time. Or more likely, if I have fun, I feel terrible later on.

I feel so low with no explanation, but I also know that I don't always feel bad. It's just when I do, it's hard for me to remember what okay feels like, I guess? I had a good afternoon, I bought some things. But sometime between then and coming home, I started to feel terrible, and really SI'd for the first time in a while. After that I felt better for a while, but I've gone back to feeling miserable. I used to think that maybe I was depressed, but now I have a T, and she's never brought it up.